

Damned and cursed
Liz had this nice friend called Lynne who she used to go to dance classes with. Lynne had a husband called Richard who was not so easy. When the girls went off to dance class Richard came round to visit with me. It was a bit of an imposition but I didn’t mind too much at first. Later on it became a major problem for a number of reasons.
The first reason was that Richard had a habit of staying until the early hours of the morning. That wasn’t a problem for him as he wasn’t employed. I was teaching and that meant I had to be up early in the morning. While I was used to getting by on little sleep when I was writing a novel or going out to a gig I resented losing precious sleep to entertain Richard. Besides, I knew he’d been laying around in bed to gone midday. He was a lazy bastard. Lynne did nearly everything and he hardly lifted a finger. Besides, if I had free energy I liked to spend that with my kids or doing something creative or with my friends. Richard was not one of my friends and never would be.
But Richard was not good at taking hints. The girls would come back and Liz would go to bed and he’d still be nattering away. In the end I had to be rude and shove him out. It was increasingly annoying.
Secondly he always came round and drank my beer. Back then teacher’s pay was not good and we managed on very little. Beers from the supermarket were a real luxury. It was irritating. He never bought any of his own. This was a one way relationship. I was being used.
The third irritation was that Richard was a born again Christian. He went to this very wacky church and was full of it. I didn’t mind but he kept trying to convert me and get me to go along. We’d have these long arguments about religion. I told him I wasn’t interested; I thought it was all a man-made power-game, but he was having none of it. We went round in circles. Now normally I don’t mind an argument. I don’t even mind it getting heated, and everyone agreeing to disagree but Richard had a habit of making it personal and becoming surly if I did not acquiesce, and I did not like that. It was as if he was on a mission to convert me and would not let up. His ears were blocked. It was relentless.
Fourthly Richard, who had five kids with Lynne, delighted in pointing out that he took home more money than me simply by being unemployed. It wasn’t worth his while getting a job – then he’d be as poor as me! That rankled.
It all came to a head one evening when he worked that seam of fatherhood a little further.
Liz went off with Lynne and Richard pitched up. He put his bike in the hall and settled in for the evening. The evening got off to a really bad start. He started off with a run through of all the things he could provide for his family simply by avoiding work. That was annoying, but then he started telling me that he was better father to his kids than me. He was there to play with them and he had all the energy to put into it. He was crowing. Seemingly I came home from work knackered and hardly had any time for my kids.
I had to bite my tongue. I suppose there was an element of truth in it. He did have the time and energy but only because he was skiving and sponging of the likes of me. He could only do it because my taxes were paying for him. It made my blood boil. I knew that if I started in on him I’d go too far – best to keep quiet. Well, probably in hindsight it might have been better if I’d launched in right at the beginning. It might have ended things a little bit quicker.
As it was Richard had the bit between his teeth. He started on about Jesus and how much Jesus loves me. I was angry and in no mood to silently sit back and listen. He’d enraged me. I started to pull his strings. I told him mockingly that was good to know but I didn’t know anybody called Jesus. He thought I was winding him up and I was. He went on about the church and what joy it was to sing and praise god. I told him, looking him right in the eyes, I didn’t do tambourines, or praise fictitious fairies.
He should have stopped there and then. He could see the mood I was in.
But my needling had annoyed him and I could see the hackles rise. My eyes narrowed and a little smile played across my mouth. I wanted revenge.
Richard began to extol the virtues of his god and how he was always willing to save sinners like me. That if I wanted to go to heaven I had to repent and put my trust in Jesus.
I told him bollocks. I think I’d prefer to be in hell where they had the good music rather than in heaven sipping tea with Cliff Richard and having to listen to a bunch of angels singing for eternity.
I was enjoying myself in a cold, calculated, and not very nice way. I knew all the buttons to press. All the long term aggravation, inflamed by his mocking of my fathering role, came out in a nasty targeted drawl, accompanied with a smile that I knew would annoy him.
Richard began telling me about all the agonies of hell and damnation and getting himself very worked up in the process. According to him I was doomed. I was to be burnt, tormented, skewered and roasted forever.
So I calmly, and in a very reasonable voice, asked him if he really believed that any god would inflict such agonies on anyone for eternity for simply not believing in him.
I think that really I’d had enough and wanted to put an end to this charade once and for. I was utterly fed up with him coming round belittling me and relentlessly, regardless of all my entreaties, trying to convert me to his little cult. I couldn’t be less interested. I was past being polite. This was my home and I did not need to be harangued here. I was looking for the coup de grace and knew exactly where to thrust the sword. I was outwardly controlled, but inwardly seething. I had my nuclear device at the ready. I knew Richard.
‘Yes. That’s exactly right,’ Richard argued. ‘All you have to do is believe.’
‘So it really doesn’t matter how you spend your life?’ I replied innocently, setting the trap. ‘You could be the biggest bastard going and if you believed in god and repented at the last minute you were saved?’
Richard nodded. He thought I might be catching on at last.
‘Where if you lived a blameless life helping others and doing good things you were still doomed?’ I asked in feigned shocked disbelief.
Richard confirmed that this was correct.
‘Then,’ I told him slowly and with a great deal of conviction, opening the bomb doors with smooth efficiency. ‘If I ever came face to face with such an evil god as that…..’ I could see the horror taking shape on his face. I’d actually called his god evil. He was already realising that I was setting him up. This was blasphemy of the first order. He seemed to know what I was going to say. I built it up deliberately. It wasn’t just the Jesus thing; it was all the anger that had been building up over the course of all those weeks of having to watch him drink my beer, lord it over me, and bore me rigid with his evangelical prattling. I fixed him in the eye. ‘I’d have to tell the Motherfucker to Fuck Off!’
That was it. I had crossed the line. There was no going back. I don’t think even Jesus could save me now. I could see the mushroom cloud rising in his eyes.
Richard was far too angry to reply. He was struck dumb. His face darkened and he sat for a minute raging inside. He could not believe that I had said it. I had really said that. Then he got to his feet, grabbed his bike from the hall and stormed out, slamming the front door behind him.
I watched him as he strode across the road in absolute fury, shaking his head. It was as if he needed to put some distance between us. As if being in my vicinity might condemn him to that same hell he was so good at describing to me. On the other side of the road Richard stopped and turned. He actually shook his fist at the house. His face was all screwed up. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone as angry.
I watched him.
I went upstairs to bed. ‘I think I’ve finally got rid of Richard,’ I told Liz.
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