My best joke.

My best joke.

 

A man walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for three triple whiskies. The bartender pours the drinks and the man sits and drinks them and then leaves.

A few days later the man returns. ‘Three triple whiskies, please’, he requests.

The bartender pours the drinks and his curiosity gets the better of him.

‘Excuse me,’ he asks. ‘I hope you don’t mind me asking but why do you order three drinks at once instead of one at a time like everybody else?’

The man replied: ‘It’s like this – I’ve got two brothers that live abroad and we made a pact that whenever one of us has a drink they have a drink for the absent brother. That way we feel closer.’

‘Oh, that’s really nice,’ the bartender said with a grin.

The man became a regular and always ordered his three triple whiskies and all was right with the world.

Then one day he went into the bar looking gloomy. He went up to the bartender – ‘Two triple whiskies, please.’

The bartender froze.

He poured the drinks while his thoughts churned.

‘Excuse me,’ he said. ‘I hope you don’t mind me asking but something hasn’t happened to one of your brothers has it?’

‘No,’ the man replied. ‘It’s me. I’ve given up drinking.’

Advertisements

Boris Johnson Quotes – Is this our future PM??????

Our blustering Boris appeals to some people precisely because he is a bumbling, humorous cartoon character! But do we really want Bugs Bunny running the country????

Here’s what the lunatic says (engaging mouth before brain!!):

[Female students went to university because they] have got to find men to marry.

A sexist piece of crap.

Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a BMW M3.

Obviously voting Tory just puts wealthy people in charge of the country. The only way they get in is through lying – so I suppose this is par for the course.

“I’d like thousands of schools as good as the one I went to, Eton.”

I think that is the last thing I’d want any school to become – a way of drumming elitism and arrogance into a kid.

“I don’t see why people are so snooty about Channel 5. It has some respectable documentaries about the Second World War. It also devotes considerable airtime to investigations into lap-dancing, and other related and vital subjects.”

The sexism comes to the fore.

“I think I was once given cocaine but I sneezed so it didn’t go up my nose. In fact, it may have been icing sugar.”

The hypocrisy and lies screams.

On cannabis:

“It was jolly nice. But apparently it is very different these days. Much stronger. I’ve become very illiberal about it. I don’t want my kids to take drugs”.

More hypocrisy.

On using a mobile phone whilst driving:

“I don’t believe that is necessarily any more dangerous than the many other risky things that people do with their free hands while driving – nose-picking, reading the paper, studying the A-Z, beating the children, and so on.”

Very revealing and rather stupid.

“We should be helping all those who can to join the ranks of the super-rich, and we should stop any bashing or moaning or preaching or bitching and simply give thanks for the prodigious sums of money that they are contributing to the tax revenues of this country, and that enable us to look after our sick and our elderly and to build roads, railways and schools.”

Except, of course, they avoid paying taxes by using all the tax loopholes that the Tories have conveniently left open! But the Tory Party is there for the rich. They don’t want ordinary people getting uppity. They should know their place.

“There is no point in wasting any more moral or mental energy in being jealous of the very rich. They are no happier than anyone else; they just have more money. We shouldn’t bother ourselves about why they want all this money, or why it is nicer to have a bath with gold taps. How does it hurt me, with my 20-year-old Toyota, if somebody else has a swish Mercedes? We both get stuck in the same traffic.”

So the people dying of cold in winter, scratting around for food, using food banks, choosing between eating and heating, and committing suicide are just as happy as those tax-avoiding people swilling champagne on yachts in the Caribean. 

“Times have been tough, the economy has been tough. But I want to bring forward a fantastic manifesto for taking the city forwards.”

That means – I want to give the money to the rich!

“I’m backing David Cameron’s campaign out of pure, cynical self-interest.”

Once a chancer always a chancer!

“London is a fantastic creator of jobs – but many of these jobs are going to people who don’t originate in this country.”

Those pesky immigrants!!

“The Americans were perfectly happy to go ahead and whack Saddam merely on the grounds that he was a bad guy, and that Iraq and the world would be better off without him; and so indeed was I.”

So let’s have lots of wars against all the bad guys!!

“It is possible to have a pretty good life and career being a leech and a parasite in the media world, gadding about from TV studio to TV studio, writing inconsequential pieces and having a good time.”

A summary of his overpaid life in newspapers.

“I can hardly condemn UKIP as a bunch of boss-eyed, foam-flecked Euro hysterics, when I have been sometimes not far short of boss-eyed, foam-flecked hysteria myself.”

There you have it – out of the mouths of fools.

“No one obeys the speed limit except a motorised rickshaw.”

So why was he making a fortune out of speeding fines???

“My friends, as I have discovered myself, there are no disasters, only opportunities. And, indeed, opportunities for fresh disasters.”

Here’s our opportunity for the biggest disaster in British history – I present Boris the Wazook. 

 

 

A few short jokes that tickled my fancy!

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

We have a mirror factory. I can totally see myself working there.

Never date a tennis player – love means nothing to them.

My friend gave me his epi-pen as he was dying. It seemed important to him that I should have it.

Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

You don’t need a parachute to go sky diving. You need a parachute to go sk diving twice.

I entered 10 of my puns for a competition but none won. No pun in ten did.

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

A giant fly is attacking the police station – I’ve called the SWAT team

Moving in to Scotland – a joke.

This rich Englishman had bought this isolated grange in the depths of Scotland. He’s just moved in when he received a phone call.

‘Hello,’ he said

‘Hello tae you. Aen welcum tae Scotland. If you look awt yae windee ya can see a light over the valley. That’s me. Ae’m yer neighbour.’

The Englishman looked out and could see a light shining in the distance.

‘Oh yes,’ he said, ‘I can see you.’

‘Well ae’d jus’ leek tae extand a traditional Scottish welcome tae you and put on a party fer ya.’

‘That is very good of you,’ the Englishman said, feeling really chuffed.

‘Aye, but ae must warn ye,’ the Scotsman said, ‘they’ll be plentae ov drinking.’

‘Oh no problem,’ the Englishman said, ‘I must confess I like a tipple or two.”

‘Aye, but ae must warn ye!’ the Scotsman said. ‘They’ll be pleantae ov drugs.’

The Englishmen hesitated. ‘That’s OK,’ he replied. ‘I’m a man of the world.  I’ve come across my share of pot.’

‘Oh aye!’ the Scotsman said. ‘We’re renowned for aer parties. But ae must warn ye – they’ll be plenty ov sex.’

‘Oh,’ the Englishman replied, his imagination running riot, ‘that’s OK, I’m partial to a bit of the rumpy pumpy myself. Just how many people will be coming to this party of yours?’

‘Jus’ me and you.’

A dose of Affluenza – a poem

A dose of Affluenza

 

We got a dose of affluenza.

We’re sick to the core.

Every time I see the stockmarket

It makes me feel quite sore.

 

The country’s getting richer

But nothing comes our way.

It all ends up at the top,

But never in my pay.

 

I pay my taxes

While they stuff it all off-shore.

We’re giving to the rich

And taking from the poor!

 

This bloody affluenza

Is making us all ill.

We’ve lost all our compassion

Like pigs guzzling swill.

 

I need a vaccination

To cure me of this disease.

This lack of trickle down

Has brought me to my knees.

 

It seems that no-one matters

Unless they’re stinking rich.

We just make up the numbers

Ain’t life a stinking bitch?

 

We need a panacea

To cure us from this schism.

I have just the remedy –

A good dose of socialism!

 

Opher – 19.4.2019

 

 

I don’t envy the rich. I despise them. I don’t aspire to their lifestyles. I just want something fairer.

Long ago, when I was a very young man, I realised that the dream of chasing wealth and status was a phony game. It was empty. I wanted to chase knowledge, fulfilment, experience and pleasure. I wanted my life full of a richness that money cannot buy.

I’m glad I made that choice.

But now, as I look at what is happening, I despair.

My life is good. I have largely achieved what I set out to do. But the society I live in has become much worse. The affluent have set us down a road of continual growth resulting in huge destruction of nature. They have greedily grabbed everything they can regardless of the consequences for people or nature.

The affluent are causing huge poverty, inequality and damage.

We need to put it right. We need to find a better way of living. Money and status are phony principles to base a life on. Give me knowledge, experience, fulfilment and fun any day. Money can’t buy love and it can’t buy back time.

George Carlin on Abortion and the ‘Pro-lifers’.

George really had a way with words. In this extract he took on the ‘Pro-lifers’.

‘They were going to get government off our backs. When it comes to abortion they don’t government being in a woman’s uterus do they?

Backs are no good but uteruses are OK by them

These people call themselves ‘right to lifers’. Don’t you just love that phrase – the way these kind of people pervert the English language

You realise that most of these right to lifers are in favour of the death penalty, and they support the South American Death Squads, and they’re against gun control and against nuclear weapons control.

When they say right to life they are talking about their right to decide which people should live or die

These crypto-fascists are against homosexuality. They are against pornography. They are against sex education. They are against abortion.

Yeah, they are going to get government off your back but they’re going to tell you how to live your sex life and let me ask you this. How would they know anything about it?

Have you ever taken a look at those people?

No wonder they are afraid of their bodies. Take a look at them.

Doesn’t it strike you as mildly ironic that most of those people who are against abortion are people you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? Doesn’t it strike you as strange?

It’s a great country but it’s a strange culture.’