Poetry – Propagation Unit

Propagation Unit

 

Inside my head’s a propagation unit

Nourished with organic ideas.

I feed in the basic principles

And lo – a story appears!

It churns away, creating for fun.

All I have to do is let it run.

Out of the simplest seeds

It ponders and then proceeds.

But I can’t stop it.

It’s out of control!

There’s no off switch!

It continues to roll!

 

It is great to constantly harvest

All its varied fruit.

But I need something more practical

Or I’ll end up destitute.

My propagation unit will not rest

It seems to think it’s for the best.

I find myself scribbling to keep up

As it constantly fills up my cup!

But I’ll other things to do –

To ring the kids and clean the loo!

 

So I’m going to take my wondrous machine in hand!

Constant obsession will be banned!

I will demand that it performs at a convenient time!

The middle of the night is simply a crime!

It sits in there and with electricity glistens!

The trouble is that it never listens!

 

Opher 12.10.2019

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Another Joke – This time about age.

Getting old is strange. It only feels as if it was ten minutes ago I was young. It goes so quick. The older among you might find this salutary. We don’t feel as old on the inside.

EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN’T LOOK THAT OLD?

WELL …… YOU’LL LOVE THIS ONE!

 My name is Wendy – I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA,WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED UNDERDALE SECONDARY SCHOOL .

‘YES, YES I DID.    HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

‘WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?’  I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965.  WHY DO YOU ASK?

‘YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!’  I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THE UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ARSED,

GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

BASTARD ASKED..

‘WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH?’

My best joke.

My best joke.

 

A man walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for three triple whiskies. The bartender pours the drinks and the man sits and drinks them and then leaves.

A few days later the man returns. ‘Three triple whiskies, please’, he requests.

The bartender pours the drinks and his curiosity gets the better of him.

‘Excuse me,’ he asks. ‘I hope you don’t mind me asking but why do you order three drinks at once instead of one at a time like everybody else?’

The man replied: ‘It’s like this – I’ve got two brothers that live abroad and we made a pact that whenever one of us has a drink they have a drink for the absent brother. That way we feel closer.’

‘Oh, that’s really nice,’ the bartender said with a grin.

The man became a regular and always ordered his three triple whiskies and all was right with the world.

Then one day he went into the bar looking gloomy. He went up to the bartender – ‘Two triple whiskies, please.’

The bartender froze.

He poured the drinks while his thoughts churned.

‘Excuse me,’ he said. ‘I hope you don’t mind me asking but something hasn’t happened to one of your brothers has it?’

‘No,’ the man replied. ‘It’s me. I’ve given up drinking.’

Boris Johnson Quotes – Is this our future PM??????

Our blustering Boris appeals to some people precisely because he is a bumbling, humorous cartoon character! But do we really want Bugs Bunny running the country????

Here’s what the lunatic says (engaging mouth before brain!!):

[Female students went to university because they] have got to find men to marry.

A sexist piece of crap.

Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a BMW M3.

Obviously voting Tory just puts wealthy people in charge of the country. The only way they get in is through lying – so I suppose this is par for the course.

“I’d like thousands of schools as good as the one I went to, Eton.”

I think that is the last thing I’d want any school to become – a way of drumming elitism and arrogance into a kid.

“I don’t see why people are so snooty about Channel 5. It has some respectable documentaries about the Second World War. It also devotes considerable airtime to investigations into lap-dancing, and other related and vital subjects.”

The sexism comes to the fore.

“I think I was once given cocaine but I sneezed so it didn’t go up my nose. In fact, it may have been icing sugar.”

The hypocrisy and lies screams.

On cannabis:

“It was jolly nice. But apparently it is very different these days. Much stronger. I’ve become very illiberal about it. I don’t want my kids to take drugs”.

More hypocrisy.

On using a mobile phone whilst driving:

“I don’t believe that is necessarily any more dangerous than the many other risky things that people do with their free hands while driving – nose-picking, reading the paper, studying the A-Z, beating the children, and so on.”

Very revealing and rather stupid.

“We should be helping all those who can to join the ranks of the super-rich, and we should stop any bashing or moaning or preaching or bitching and simply give thanks for the prodigious sums of money that they are contributing to the tax revenues of this country, and that enable us to look after our sick and our elderly and to build roads, railways and schools.”

Except, of course, they avoid paying taxes by using all the tax loopholes that the Tories have conveniently left open! But the Tory Party is there for the rich. They don’t want ordinary people getting uppity. They should know their place.

“There is no point in wasting any more moral or mental energy in being jealous of the very rich. They are no happier than anyone else; they just have more money. We shouldn’t bother ourselves about why they want all this money, or why it is nicer to have a bath with gold taps. How does it hurt me, with my 20-year-old Toyota, if somebody else has a swish Mercedes? We both get stuck in the same traffic.”

So the people dying of cold in winter, scratting around for food, using food banks, choosing between eating and heating, and committing suicide are just as happy as those tax-avoiding people swilling champagne on yachts in the Caribean. 

“Times have been tough, the economy has been tough. But I want to bring forward a fantastic manifesto for taking the city forwards.”

That means – I want to give the money to the rich!

“I’m backing David Cameron’s campaign out of pure, cynical self-interest.”

Once a chancer always a chancer!

“London is a fantastic creator of jobs – but many of these jobs are going to people who don’t originate in this country.”

Those pesky immigrants!!

“The Americans were perfectly happy to go ahead and whack Saddam merely on the grounds that he was a bad guy, and that Iraq and the world would be better off without him; and so indeed was I.”

So let’s have lots of wars against all the bad guys!!

“It is possible to have a pretty good life and career being a leech and a parasite in the media world, gadding about from TV studio to TV studio, writing inconsequential pieces and having a good time.”

A summary of his overpaid life in newspapers.

“I can hardly condemn UKIP as a bunch of boss-eyed, foam-flecked Euro hysterics, when I have been sometimes not far short of boss-eyed, foam-flecked hysteria myself.”

There you have it – out of the mouths of fools.

“No one obeys the speed limit except a motorised rickshaw.”

So why was he making a fortune out of speeding fines???

“My friends, as I have discovered myself, there are no disasters, only opportunities. And, indeed, opportunities for fresh disasters.”

Here’s our opportunity for the biggest disaster in British history – I present Boris the Wazook. 

 

 

A few short jokes that tickled my fancy!

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

We have a mirror factory. I can totally see myself working there.

Never date a tennis player – love means nothing to them.

My friend gave me his epi-pen as he was dying. It seemed important to him that I should have it.

Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

You don’t need a parachute to go sky diving. You need a parachute to go sk diving twice.

I entered 10 of my puns for a competition but none won. No pun in ten did.

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

A giant fly is attacking the police station – I’ve called the SWAT team

Moving in to Scotland – a joke.

This rich Englishman had bought this isolated grange in the depths of Scotland. He’s just moved in when he received a phone call.

‘Hello,’ he said

‘Hello tae you. Aen welcum tae Scotland. If you look awt yae windee ya can see a light over the valley. That’s me. Ae’m yer neighbour.’

The Englishman looked out and could see a light shining in the distance.

‘Oh yes,’ he said, ‘I can see you.’

‘Well ae’d jus’ leek tae extand a traditional Scottish welcome tae you and put on a party fer ya.’

‘That is very good of you,’ the Englishman said, feeling really chuffed.

‘Aye, but ae must warn ye,’ the Scotsman said, ‘they’ll be plentae ov drinking.’

‘Oh no problem,’ the Englishman said, ‘I must confess I like a tipple or two.”

‘Aye, but ae must warn ye!’ the Scotsman said. ‘They’ll be pleantae ov drugs.’

The Englishmen hesitated. ‘That’s OK,’ he replied. ‘I’m a man of the world.  I’ve come across my share of pot.’

‘Oh aye!’ the Scotsman said. ‘We’re renowned for aer parties. But ae must warn ye – they’ll be plenty ov sex.’

‘Oh,’ the Englishman replied, his imagination running riot, ‘that’s OK, I’m partial to a bit of the rumpy pumpy myself. Just how many people will be coming to this party of yours?’

‘Jus’ me and you.’