* A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. ‘My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him? ‘Well,’ said the vet, ‘Let’s have a look at him.’ So he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, ‘I’m going to have to put him down.’ ‘What!’ says the man. ‘Because he’s cross-eyed?’ ‘No,’ replied the vet. ‘Because he’s really heavy.’
* A man goes to the doctor. ‘Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside. Doc replies, ‘How’s that?’ Man says, ‘Now don’t you start!’
* Two elephants walk off a cliff…boom boom!
* What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
* So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said, ‘You look great. The world is your oyster. Go for it!’
* Apparently one in five people in the world is Chinese. There are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. Its either my mum or my dad or my older brother Colin. Or it could be my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.
* Two fat blokes in a pub. One says to the other, ‘ Your round.’ The other one says, ‘So are you, you fat bastard.’
OK – that’s enough.
The lies our children are brought up to believe.
Religion is always about power and cash.
A Day for a Diary
I woke face down on the floor with the pattern of the parquet etched into the side of my cheek. I was feeling a little groggy but a quick line of speed soon sorted that.
There was just time for a cocaine-fuelled orgy with the five hookers who had stayed over from last night’s soiree. For breakfast, we polished off the remaining oysters and beluga caviar washed down with the last of the champagne. That set me up, but just in case, I dropped a tab of acid to put some colour into an otherwise dull December day.
No sooner had I whisked the girls out the door, thanking them for being so inventive, than Johnny Depp arrived. He’d landed the starring role in a biopic of my life and was hoping to get a bit of background and study me for a while so he could get into the role. We shared a spliff or two and were just getting into some serious stuff when Mick and Keith dropped in. They were hoping to adapt a couple of my poems into songs for their new album.
Within minutes the four of us were jamming in the front room. Mick asked me if I fancied replacing Charlie but I declined. Drums weren’t really my thing.
The jam session was broken up when the helicopter landed in the back garden to whisk me off to my agent’s place. Warner Brothers were in a bidding war with Universal over a couple of my Sci-fi novels.
The coke and champers were flowing liberally as both lots of execs tried to court me. The contracts were fairly straightforward. I checked that there were the right number of noughts, then it all came down to the casting. Of course, Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio were slugging it out for a lead role. I’d promised Tika Sumpter and Margot Robbie roles. George Clooney and Kerry Washington had to fit in somewhere and then there was Isabel Lucas and Sharon Leal. Johnny Depp had already been promised which annoyed Robert Downey Jnr. I insisted we had them all and threw in Morgan Freeman as a bonus.
We got it sorted in the end. Warner Brothers came up with the goods.
At the finish of the meeting the acid was beginning to wane so I topped that up with a disco biscuit or two. That perked me up.
By the time I arrived back home I was starving. Fortunately, the confectioners and vintners had arrived with deliveries for this evening’s get-together. I picked at the garlic lobsters and alba truffles while watching Jack White tuning up in the corner. Jack was doing the main set this evening.
My dealer delivered my usual, which was fortunate. I was down to my last spliff or ten.
Tika Sumpter popped in to thank me for the part, the starring role in The Cabal, and Haile Berry turned up. I’d agreed for her to be my partner for the evening. I know, it really would cramp my style but there were fringe benefits.
I sloped off for an hour to tap out a couple of chapters for my new novel and then the action started and Haile and I began dancing the night away.
It’s not easy being Jack Moon.
The trouble with all these days was that they tended to merge into one another – just another dull, dreary Thursday in Yorkshire.
But then, looking ahead, the weekend was looking promising.
Space – the final frontier!
You are through to the bank.
We are open for business.
First make a quick withdrawal
And collect your deposit.
We have high interest
If you have the solution.
We are a bank with no stiff penalties.
Simply manipulate your assets
And place your millions
In our vaults.
The message was followed by a pregnant pause.
Opher – 7.9.2022
An amusing aside.
I need a chuckle or two!
Start the day with a laugh!