We’re going to put the Great back in Britain again!
I’m going to cut crime by 95% in two days! We ship all criminals off to Siberia to special camps and close all prisons!! That’ll save a fortune!
I will triple the number of police and arm them with assault rifles!
I’ll bring in compulsory conscription and create an army of millions.
I will ban all protests and deport protestors.
I will introduce public floggings for minor crimes and bring back capital punishment.
I will build a wall around the UK and shoot immigrants who try to enter – on sight!
I will increase pensions by 50% and double the winter fuel allowance.
I will do away with ALL welfare payments and make work compulsory.
I will institute a fifty hour week to raise productivity and boost the economy.
I will raise the retire age to eighty so that we can harness the skill and experience of our seniors. No more thrown on the rubbish heap!
I will triple the pay of politicians so that we attract in the right calibre!
I will cut taxes for millionaires to increase investment and do away with corporation tax to attract companies! There will be a trickle down to the poor.
I will make it easy to fire people. With no welfare to fall back on they will have to work hard. We will not tolerate skivers and freeloaders.
I will end all wars in 1 day!
I will give Gaza to Israel and Ukraine to Russia!
I will nuke Iran and North Korea removing threats and making us safe!
I will not only ban burqas but completely ban Islam. This is a Christian nation!
All citizens will have to speak English fluently and immigrants and their progeny will have to pass a citizens exam or be deported!
We’ll ban trade unions and make all strikes illegal.
Free Speech will be mandatory with NO restrictions!
The government will run the BBC and all media outlets so that no misinformation or fake news can be distributed!
We will make the singing of the National Anthem compulsory at the start of the day in all schools and government institutions. It will be played at the end of the day on all media and radio. People will be expected to stand, sing and place their right hand on their hearts.
I will introduce a British pledge of allegiance!
I will have a St George’s week where people should dress as crusaders.
The school curriculum will only feature British history and reflect the greatness of our fabulous Empire. We will teach our children that Great Britain is superior to any other race and they should be proud to die for their country!
I will start a programme of reinvasions to take back what is rightfully ours.
I will double down on Brexit and break ALL ties with Europe – we’ll put a 200% tariff on all EU goods!
I will replace all statues with people that have inspired us – Nigel Farage, Boris Johnson and Donald Trump – people will be expected to bow their heads in passing to recognise their greatness.
The proms will be compulsory viewing with renditions of Rule Britannia and Jerusalem mandatory.
I will reclaim the USA, Canada, Australia and New Zealand and take control of the Suez Canal.
I will make Donald Trump King and replace the royal family (they’re all Germans)!
I am not nuts! I am a patriotic Englishman – proud to be British!
God save the New King! God save the UK! God save Farage and Trump! Put the Great back in Britain!
In the second week I will…