Tory manifesto pledge with vultures

Posted on by Opher

The Conservative Party has today made a manifesto pledge to guarantee workers one day off work each year in order to drag a sick or elderly relative to a mountain-top to be eaten alive by vultures.

Simon Williams, a spokesman for the party said, “More and more workers are having to care for ageing parents, and employers are putting pressure on them not to take time off work.

But with this manifesto promise, Britain’s workers will not have to risk losing their jobs for disposing of a relative they could no longer afford to feed, keep warm or buy medication for.

“This pledge guarantees them time off work to provide end-of-life care for a relative by enshrining in law their right to a full 24 hours to drag their loved one’s still living body up a mountainside to be consumed by scavengers.

“This pledge also demonstrates our commitment to protecting endangered species, i.e. vultures.”

The spokesman added, “This day off will of course be unpaid. We can’t expect employers or the state to shoulder that burden.”

Courtesy of News Thump!

Humour on the Marco Polo cruise to South America

Posted on by Opher

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Due to the fifty five day length of the cruise most of the passengers were retired. They were the only ones who could get that length of time off work. It meant that the average age of the passengers were 75 years old.

There were courageous adventurers in their eighties heading off into the Brazilian jungles on Zimmer-frames. You had to admire their pluck. They wanted to see the world. They ate and drank heartily. They let no obstacle get in their way.

I was standing with the Captain on the Bridge looking out towards the thick green South American jungle.

‘What are all those sticks over there?’ I asked – pointing into the depths of the jungle.

The Captain peered into the gloom.

‘Oh,’ he said, ‘that’s just the passengers making their way back from an excursion.’

We looked over the old, quaint ship.

‘I’m thinking of putting a climbing wall on the ship,’ the Captain told me.

I looked over at all the octogenarians on the deck eating, drinking and laughing together. They did not look very agile. I could not imagine a more unlikely clientele for a climbing wall.

‘You’ll never get them up a climbing wall!’ I exclaimed in disbelief.

‘Oh yes I will,’ he assured me. ‘I’m going to put a buffet at the top.’

My best joke.

Posted on by Opher

drinking

A man walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for three triple whiskies. The bartender pours the drinks and the man sits and drinks them and then leaves.

A few days later the man returns. ‘Three triple whiskies, please’, he requests.

The bartender pours the drinks and his curiosity gets the better of him.

‘Excuse me,’ he asks. ‘I hope you don’t mind me asking but why do you order three drinks at once instead of one at a time like everybody else?’

The man replied: ‘It’s like this – I’ve got two brothers that live abroad and we made a pact that whenever one of us has a drink they have a drink for the absent brother. That way we feel closer.’

‘Oh, that’s really nice,’ the bartender said with a grin.

The man became a regular and always ordered his three triple whiskies and all was right with the world.

Then one day he went into the bar looking gloomy. He went up to the bartender – ‘Two triple whiskies, please.’

The bartender froze.

He poured the drinks while his thoughts churned.

‘Excuse me,’ he said. ‘I hope you don’t mind me asking but something hasn’t happened to one of your brothers has it?’

‘No,’ the man replied. ‘It’s me. I’ve given up drinking.’

Government steals 64.1 million hours from the British public – Scandal!!!

Posted on by Opher

Yes last night while we were asleep the British government stole an hour from each one of us!

They did not ask. They were sly. It happened while I slept. They sent burglars into every home and simply stole it from our clocks, our lives and our sleep.

Of course they promise to give it back to us in six months but we’ve all heard those sort of promises haven’t we? I don’t trust them an inch!

Even if they do give it back will they give us any interest on it? You bet there won’t. They’ll have had it for a whole year, got the use out of it and then they give it back all worn out and dilapidated.

It’s no wonder I’m so exhausted all the time!

An attempt to lighten up!

Posted on by Opher

It seems to me that what the world really needs is a lot more fun. Things have got far too serious. There should not be so much cruelty, hatred and sectarian violence. We should all lighten up and be peaceful, happy, helpful, loving and friendly.

For that reason I would like to propose that we all take a mandatory look, once a day, at George Carling. It should replace superfluous stuff like praying. Instead of pointless prayers to an invisible supernatural human construct we should take the time to lighten our minds, bring in a little mirth and have fun.

I suggest everyone should check out George Carling – ‘religion is bullshit’ and ‘the ten commandments’ on Youtube:

The ten commandments – http://youtu.be/CE8ooMBIyC8

Religion is bullshit – http://youtu.be/8r-e2NDSTuE

Then, having refreshed the spirit with a little light relief, we can get back to looking at Opher’s World and start considering all the shit that governments and religions don’t want us to think about. We can exercise our intelligence, turn on the brain, stop believing anything the government tells us, discount everything we read in newspapers and start trying to stop the destructive ravages of war, overpopulation, ecosystem destruction, poverty and religious hatred.

They are things that can be solved. We can create a better world. All the rhinos, elephants, whales, chimps, tigers and gorillas do not have to die. Let’s feel really good by making things better.

Opher’s World is about a better zeitgeist!