Anecdote – My Dad and a mug

Anecdote – My Dad and a mug

My Dad and a mug
My old man worked up in Fleet Street. He ran a news reporters office. They all called him Ron. He demanded high standards and made sure he worked harder and longer than anyone else.
Every day he was up at half past six. He smoked a roll up and drink a cup of tea before sorting his breakfast. He’d catch the seven thirty to Waterloo and be in the office by nine. He finished at five thirty and was home at six thirty. Mum would have his tea on the table. He’d eat an then sit on the soafa reading all the newspapers, (he had every single national paper), checking out the stories, places and names, and watch a bit of telly. He’d either smoke his pipe or roll-ups. At ten he would make a milky drink and go to bed.
I used to think the Kinks – Well Respected Man – had some resonance with his life. It was regulated. There did not seem room for anything else. He worked Saturday and Sunday followed a pattern. He’d mow the grass, carve the joint and occasionally go down the pub for a pint on the green.
I think he found his work satisfying, maybe fulfilling, but to me it looked drab. I despised the predictability and the way it demanded all of him. My mum resented it too. She did not like the way he put his entire being into it. She said he never turned off. I wanted something more out of life. Work was not going to steal my spirit.
When I was seven or eight he took me up to work with him. We went up on the train. I enjoyed the bustle of it. It was exciting to go into his office. I remember him walking into the place with confidence and purpose. He was the boss. As he walked through the door the teaboy handed him a mug of tea – milk and two sugars – he did not even break stride. It was as if he had been waiting. He probably had. Dad was like clockwork. I was super impressed.
Dad took me to his office. We sat with mugs of tea while dad checked all the raw reports sitting in his in-tray. He corrected grammar and spelling and sent it off to the editorial office or filed it elsewhere.
I watched the office. I was intrigued. Dad had thirty people working for him on telephones plus a bunch of ancillary staff such as the teaboy and clerical staff. All of the telephone reported sat in little carels with headphones on and a Remington typewriter. Reporters at the scene would phone in their raw reports. The telephone reporter typed it up. They had to type at the speed the news reporter spoke – and sometimes they spoke fast. The task of a telephone reporter was to type fast enough to get it down and to ensure grammar, spelling and punctuation was correct. That was quite an ask.
I sat and watched, mesmerised, by it all. All around there were typewriters rattling away, mugs of tea being delivered and drunk, fags smoked and ashtrays filling to overflowing. There was a blue haze in the room. My dad sat in his office as report after report rolled in. He scrutinised, corrected and sent them on their way. Phones were continually ringing, people rushing about and a general buzz of excitement.
This was where the news happened. It was intense. You could taste the adrenaline.
Dad’s role was crucial. He hired and fired and ran the office. He sorted and made decisions about what to pass on and where it went. He corrected the script. There were deadlines and sometimes great spurts of activity so that he was inundated. Then it might ease off for a while.
Dad had a good team. He only employed the best. He told me his system. He always met with the person applying then he gave them a test that probed their weaknesses. It was a speed typing test with punctuation and spelling. He told me he had two tests – extremely hard and impossible. If he liked the applicant he gave them the extremely hard one. If they passed he hired them. If he did not like them he gave them the impossible one.
I enjoyed my day at his office. I was pampered by the clerical staff and the reporters. I could see that they liked and respected dad. I could also see that the adrenaline and frenetic nature of the job was addictive. There was a camaraderie and professionalism. It was hard, intense and required skills and concentration.
But what impressed me most was the way that mug of tea had been placed in his hand as he walked in. That spoke reams.

Anecdote – Steamed and trained

Anecdote – Steamed and trained

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Steamed and trained

My home backed on to a railway embankment so I was used to trains. Old steam trains like the Mallard and Brighton Belle used to charge past my house all the time. I did not notice them.

Things were easier back then. There wasn’t the same frenzied pace, obsession with health and safety and personal indifference. Back then people were friendly. The older men would stop and chat, give you a sweet or show you how to throw a hoop and make it come back to you without being suspected of being paedophiles. People were friendly and kids had freedom. That worked both ways. When we were seven or eight Jeff and I used to climb over the back fence and play on the railway embankment. We didn’t go up to the rails and were perfectly safe. But a train driver must have noticed us there and actually stopped the train to shout at us to get off.

Our road was equidistant to two railway stations. Jeff and I would go along to the station at Hersham and chat to the engine drivers. They were very friendly. They let us go on the engine and do all sorts. They would even take us along on the footplate and drop us off at Walton station where we’d walk home. We were allowed to shovel coal into the furnace and pull various levers. When we went past our houses we were allowed to hoot the steam whistles. They made a hell of a din. So technical, at the age of eight I suppose I could say I had driven a steam engine. I am sure that Jeff and I were a great help.

My mum bought me a train spotting book. It was basically a list of engine numbers. All the trains had their own number. When you see it you underlined it. I played in the back garden and tried to note the numbers as the engines went past. But that was useless. I was so used to them that I didn’t notice them coming.

There were a keen group of train spotters at school. I joined in for a bit. I liked the bit where we went along to the footbridge across the line. We’d stand on there as the trains went by and become enveloped in the smoke and steam. That was great fun. I also enjoyed going through the tunnel at Hersham. We’d shout and get echoes and wait for a train to thunder through overhead and deafen us.

The culmination of my brief flirtation with train spotting was a trip up to London. A little group of us ten year olds went up to the big train sheds. I don’t know how we got into the place but we spent the day wandering around the sheds underlining numbers to our hearts content. We climbed up onto footplates and went from train to train. It was wonderful. There were lots of people around but nobody seemed to pay us any attention as we walked across the tracks and watched engines shunting around. There were hundreds of them. I had pages of underlined numbers.

I lost interest after that. Trains were OK but I preferred animals. Looking back it seems amazing that things were so free and easy. Nowadays our children are strangled with safety. They don’t live.

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Anecdote – How I passed my Religious Studies exam due to divine intervention.

Anecdote – How I passed my Religious Studies exam due to divine intervention.

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How I passed my Religious Studies exam due to divine intervention.

Religion and I have never got along. I think I was born a heretic. Either that or I am a blasphemous pagan at heart.

Through school I suffered the excruciating assemblies with their hymns, prayers and bible readings. I abhorred them. I also despised the RE lessons with all their bible bashing and indoctrinating rhetoric. My brain was impervious to religion. It bounced off.

Then when I was fourteen I discovered I did not have to do it at all. I could get a dispensation on religious grounds. All I had to do was induce my parents to sign the relevant form or write a short note to the effect that they wanted me out of all religious practice. Problem solved.

Except it wasn’t. For some obscure reason, that I do not understand to this day, my parents, who brought me up with a liberal, unindoctrinated perspective, and respected my views, refused to write the note.

That made it even worse. So I dug my heels in. I went to see the RE teacher and explained to him that I was categorically not going to do the RE. He could do what he liked. I was not going to budge. After a lengthy argument we came to a compromise. I would attend the lessons and give out the bibles. Then I would sit quietly at the front and read. That suited me fine.

So while the rest of the class filled exercise book after exercise book of boring comparisons between the four gospels I read great Science Fiction by Arthur C Clarke, Robert Sheckly, Asimov, John Wyndham, Philip K Dick and Robert Heinlein. I reckoned the content of fiction in my books was superior to the fiction in theirs.

RE was a subject that was sat earlier than the other subjects. We took our O Level at Christmas. I was surprised to find that my name was included. I went to see the RE teacher to point out the error. I had not done any RE; I should not have my name down for the exam. He huffed and puffed and did not like to admit his mistake. He told me that it was easier for me to just go through with it rather than trying to scrub me from the exam at this stage. I shrugged. I wasn’t bothered.

The night before the exam I borrowed a bible. My mum found me looking through it.

‘What are you doing?’

I explained that I had my RE O Level the next day. I had been intrigued by a couple of things. I looked up to find out what the Transfiguration was all about and I checked out what Jesus said on the cross. – ‘My father why has thou forsaken me?’

I always thought that was a strange thing to say. It seemed to suggest to me that at the last minute he was having doubts and had realised that it was all bollocks.

After ten minutes I became bored, which amused my mum no end. She knew what felt about the bible.

The next day I took my exam. We had to answer four questions out of five. Question one was about the Transfiguration. Question two was about the words Jesus had said on the cross. Question three was about a psalm I knew well from assemblies. Question four was a parable that I was familiar with. It was easy.

The next term the results came out. Only a third of the class had passed. I was one of them.

I have a qualification in Religious Education. I bet my RE teacher was as pleased as Punch.

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Anecdote – Thrown out of my O Levels

Anecdote – Thrown out of my O Levels

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Thrown out of my O Levels

The O Level exams were the big exams at the end of the Fifth Form (Year 11). They were the important ones, as important as A Levels. Universities used the grades you achieved at sixteen as an indicator of your future potential.

I’m not sure they were any indication of my potential. I was in an extremely difficult class where learning was not anywhere near as important as fighting or as much fun as winding the teacher up. I had made it a religion not to do homework and had not produced a shred for three years. I’d found that as long as I kept my head down I went unnoticed. The teachers had enough on their plate trying to keep order in the classroom. My twin interests were girls and Rock Music. I hadn’t yet discovered Beat poetry or serious literature. My world revolved around discussing Rock and Blues, chatting up the girls and deciding which party to go to at the weekend. Peripheral to that were my hair, beard and clothes. I liked to look right. Unfortunately these preoccupations tended to bring me into conflict with a numbers of teachers and the school hierarchy. They were busy trying to hold back the tide with a flood barrier and I was making waves. The school thought that my carefully nurtured appearance was a scruffy mess. I thought it was a triumph of individuality and expression of my underlying ethos.

My parents were in despair they thought my long hair, anti-establishment attitude and casual attitude towards my studies were going to prove detrimental to my future career. They were right. I seemed to enjoy making it difficult for myself. I despised fitting in. I always have and always will.

Even so I managed to achieve. I always did enough to get by and that infuriated some of the teachers no end. They liked the ones who played the game and worked hard. They thought I did not deserve any success. Once again they were probably right.

On the first day of my O Level exams I thought I’d try it on. Instead of donning the requisite school uniform I put on my black hipsters, and Cuban heeled Chelsea boots. I fluffed up my shoulder length hair and wore my denim shirt with button-down collars. There were a few young ladies I was out to impress. I can’t say my mind was fully focussed on the forthcoming maths exam.

The basis of my mind-set was that the O Levels were too important for them to kick up much of a fuss. I might get bawled at but they’d let it go.

I was not taking Mr Morrell into account. He hated my guts. His ethos and my ethos snarled at each other whenever we met. He hated seeing me hanging around with the prettiest girls. He hated my long hair. He hated the fact that I always came top in his Biology exams despite the fact that he knew that I did no work at all. It was personal. We did not exactly see eye to eye.

It was just my luck that he happened to be on duty that day when I walked in. He was a bit of a coward. Rather than confront me himself he called the Headteacher over and complained, pointing out the rules and regulations. The Head was left with no choice but to send me home to get changed. I missed half an hour of my Maths exam.

I scraped through. I managed seven passes, all grade C with just one B in Biology.

I bet that rankled. I would have loved to have gone back as a Headteacher to meet up with Mr Morrell. I’m sure he would have loved to see that I had turned out successful after all. I’m certain he would.

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Anecdote – Rebena’s little ploy – a true story about bullying and embezzlement

Anecdote – Rebena’s little ploy – a true story about bullying and embezzlement

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Rebena’s little ploy

Rebena was not a nice lady. In fact I’m not sure that Rebena was a lady at all. She looked like an extra from Prisoner – Cell Block H and I’m sure she would never have made the Olympics, at least not in the female category. She probably had more testosterone that the rest of the boys in school.

Rebena must only have been fourteen but she looked like a grizzly bear with short brown hair. She ran a little gang of girls who, despite lacking the necessary musculature, all aspired to be like her. They had the swagger down and weren’t short of attitude.

For my first weeks in school it seemed like a game. Rebena’s ‘girls’ would chase us around all over the school. Every break-time was a game of chase. I enjoyed it.

Then it ceased to be a game. A bunch of them cornered me and frogmarched me off for a private conference with Rebena. There were a lot of arm twisting and tight grips with some pinching and punches. It was apparent that the young ladies had not found the enterprise as much fun as me. To them it was business. They did not like being given the run-around. It had certainly ceased to be quite so much fun for me.

They escorted me to Rebena’s ‘office’. She held court behind the bike sheds where it was nice and quiet.

Rebena had quite a persuasive way with her. She was very quiet and softly spoken, with a husky voice well beyond her years.

Rebena had a comb. It was quite an unnecessary implement for any practical use. Her hair was so short it hardly needed combing. It was one of those girls combs; an aluminium job with a handle. Rebena had modified it by sharpening that handle to a sharp point.

The Hench-ladies delivered me and two took the job of holding me still by forcing my arms behind my back and jamming me back against the wall. Rebena regarded me with a cool stare. She pushed my head up against the wall and put the point of her comb under my chine. I was soon standing on tip-toes as she raised the comb up to dig into my flesh.

When she had got me pinned, much to the amusement of the girls all gathered round, she began to make me that offer that was hard to refuse.

It seemed that Rebena had my best interests at heart. She knew that some of the older boys could turn nasty. She knew that some of my classmates could be trying. She had the answer to all my problems.

I tried to explain to Rebena that I really didn’t have any problems in school with anyone. That was hard to do with a sharp point jabbing into your throat. Rebena assured me that I did have problems. I was definitely in need of protection… I didn’t need telling twice. I could not only see the point but I could feel it too.

Rebena’s solution was quite simple. All I had to do was to make a reasonable contribution. Every morning I would pass half my dinner money to one of her girls. I could report anyone who was giving me a hard time and my problems would all melt away.

It certainly seemed a reasonable offer to me. I was getting fed up with arms being twisted and having pointed objects poked into my flesh. I readily agreed to this very sensible request.

I was expecting an instant release. That was not quite what happened. The arms were twisted a bit more and the comb raised a half inch.

Then Rebena explained very slowly just what would happen should I miss a payment. I was entering into a contract. If I failed to keep my side of the bargain there would be repercussions. There would be no nice, kindly interviews like this. As I was not finding this an either nice or kind interview I think I was beginning to catch on – if I did not give Rebena half my dinner money then she would beat the shit out of me.

There did not seem a lot of options. For the next couple of weeks I paid up and went hungry. I was one of many. Rebena was raking it in.

Fortunately this came to an end. I still do not know what happened but the last I saw of Rebena she was in the back of a police car being driven out of school. She never came back. I assumed that Rebena’s nefarious activities were not restricted to school playgrounds.

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Anecdote – The Sixties Underground Rock venues – The Toby Jug

Anecdote – The Sixties Underground Rock venues – The Toby Jug

Rock Routes

The Sixties Underground Rock venues – The Toby Jug

Back in the sixties when Rock music was king of the culture and all possibility prevailed there were a plethora of clubs in London and its surrounds.

I lived in London and had access to it all. London was the place to be. It was where everything was happening. There were so many venues catering for the full spectrum of music and so many bands. Every night of the week was a quagmire of decisions. We were utterly spoilt for choice. Each week I would get the NME or Time Out along with my copy of IT and peruse the gig list. It was overwhelming. I usually went to around three gigs a week and two of those were Harper gigs. But Roy played with a lot of other people and I managed to meet a number of brilliant bands through Roy Harper concerts. He certainly did not confine himself to the ‘folk’ circuit. Roy described himself as a one man Rock ‘n’ Roll band and that’s how he treated it. Not only did he perform with the likes of Ralph McTell, John Renbourn, Ron Geesin, John Martyn and Al Stewart but he also appeared alongside bands such as Free, the Bonzos, Nice and Pentangle. Just by following Roy I picked up on a lot of the best of what was around.

Those were heady days for heads, freaks and denizens of the alternative world. You would meet up with old and new friends. These were the days when you could tell a friend by the length of his hair and the clothes he wore. This was the new society. You would cross a road to say hi to complete strangers and indulge in debate about music and social events. They were the days of quiet revolution.

One of my favourite venues was the Toby Jug at Tolsworth. It was a big old pub with a large room at the back. That was the scene of a weekly Blues club. The term blues was used very loosely. They had bands as diverse as Jethro Tull, Led Zeppelin and Captain Beefheart.

My favourites were always Fleetwood Mac. That band always rocked. I thought the brilliant rhythm section created by McVee and Fleetwood really allowed Pete Green and Jeremy Spencer to let rip. They were two or three bands in one.

Liz liked to dance and so we used to find space at the back and give it some energetic prancing.

What was good about the Toby Jug was that you had the room to dance but could also get near to the stage to watch the performance. For 25p you were able to see Ian Anderson play flute while standing like a stork on one leg, or watch Jimmy Page churn out those riffs. That was the place I saw Beefheart and Led Zep, up close and personal, and all for a mere 25p. None of this stadium stuff with binoculars. You could stand at the front and be a couple of feet away from Jimmy Page or Pete Green and watch their fingers as they teased the strings. You could mingle without the need of backstage passes. They weren’t so much ‘stars’ as revered exponents of ‘our’ music, fully fledged members of the new society. You felt as if we were all in some new ethos together.

We had some high old times.

The Toby Jug was one of my special 1960s haunts. Fond memories.

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Anecdote – Hunting Lizards, Slow Worms and Snakes

Anecdote – Hunting Lizards, Slow Worms and Snakes

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AppleMark

Hunting Lizards, Slow Worms and Snakes

It takes knowledge, skill and agility to hunt reptiles. Tony and I were experts. We had a series of sites that we would make our way around. In the early morning we’d often arrange to meet up on our bikes, complete with aluminium milk churn with lid to put our catch in, and we’d happily spend our day hunting.

The heathland was the place for lizards. We’d creep stealthily through the dried vegetation with eyes and ears alert to any rustle or movement and body poised. At the slightest movement we launched ourselves, fine-tuning our hands as we sprang. We’d bring our hands down and try to trap the unfortunate lizards. We were very good at it and often went back with a haul of lively lizards.

Slow worms and snakes required slightly different tactics. We rarely found them out in the open. They liked to sleep in the warmth and darkness under corrugated iron where they were safe from predators. But that did not save them for us. Corrugated iron was a common building material. It was used for roofing on huts and fencing. We knew where all the discarded corrugated iron was in the whole area and made our rounds.

To catch animals hiding under corrugated iron there was a well worked plan. We would take it in turn to quietly approach the sheet of iron, so not to disturb anything underneath it, and then fling it back and dive. As I flew through the air I’d look to see what was there and make a grab for it. We caught a variety of creatures this way. The easiest were the slow worms. There were legless lizards and as the name suggestion none too fast. They would be coiled up under the iron and easy to grab hold of. The snakes were faster. They would react as you dived and you had to be quick to get hold of them. There weren’t many snakes but we caught both grass snakes and adders.

The adders were very distinctive with their black zig-zag line down their back. They were a bit scary because we knew they were poisonous. But they tended to be small. The grass snakes were a lot bigger.

The hardest creatures to capture were the voles. They were quick. But I once caught a whole family of voles in a nest under the tin. I grabbed them with both hands and transferred them to the milk churn. I kept that family of voles in a big aquarium for weeks until the babies were fully grown and then I released them.

On one occasion I jerked back the sheet of tin and dived. As I flew I saw a big slow worm and one hand reached for that and then a huge grass snake reared up at me like a cobra and I instinctively grabbed that round the neck. It was so big that when I stood up and held it up at shoulder height its tail reached the ground.

That snake was big and strong. He writhed about and threshed to break my grip but I clung on. He tried to twist his head round to deploy his fangs but I was having none of that and gripped his neck even tighter. Then he started to exude this foul smelling excrement that he smeared on me. But that didn’t deter someone as mad as me. I was excited. Even when he let out these huge hisses it did not put me off.

The usual thing for us to do was to take our booty back to Tony’s house. He had a big enamel bath in his back garden. We’d empty our churn into it and divvy up the catch. I transferred most of mine to the big pit I’d dug in the back garden. It was three feet deep with a pond I’d created out of a huge old sink. I’d planted grass and shrubs and put plenty of rock to supply cover. It was full of my frogs, newts (both palmate and crested), toads, lizards and slow worms.

I kept them happy by digging up lots of worms and buying meal worms from the pet shop. I used to enjoy feeding time. I’d dump in a wriggling handful of meal worms and watch as the frogs, toads and lizards all came out of their hidey-holes to feast.

I put my king grass snake straight in there. Once he’d settled he must have thought he was in paradise. I hadn’t reckoned with the fact that he was big and powerful enough to get out of that pit. He only stayed a few days and polished off my entire stock of frogs before leaving. But I did enjoy marvelling at him slithering around flicking his tongue out and checking out that place. He was a wonder to behold.

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Anecdote – Buddha and god

Anecdote – Buddha and god

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Buddha and god

As an antitheist I do not believe there is a god, certainly not one who has created man in his own image or who is concerned with the lives of men. I see no evidence of the universe having been created by some super being; neither do I see evidence of intelligent design around me. If man is made by divine hands then they are clumsy hands indeed. I myself can think of many great improvements to the human form – perfection it isn’t. No. The more I learn the less I am convinced. What I see is religion of all types constructed by man.

Yet I do perceive the possibility of some mystical force at work, some force present in sunsets, rocks, trees and majestic views that I would call ‘wonder and awe’. I do also sense a force at work within the psychology of people creating synchronicity. I, much to Andrew’s disgust, refer to this as the prevailing zeitgeist. I tend to think that this mental emanation will at some point be recognised by science. But maybe I am wrong. Science is in its infancy. It has much to discover. The field of consciousness and psychology is too new to have yielded all its secrets. The future will likely reveal a lot more.

Even as a young man, when I was a spiritual zealot, eager to follow in Kerouac and Ginsberg’s wake, to gain satori and see the universe through the eyes of Zen, I was sceptical of god and derisory of the god of Christianity, Judaism and Islam. His many faces seemed absurd.

I was greatly moved by a tale told to me by a Thai monk called Vorosak Candimitto. As a young man, besotted with Kerouac and Ginsberg, I was on a personal exploration into spirituality, the mind, mysticism and the void. I tried meditation and tried to still my mind to discover that truth within. I enjoyed it but soon moved on. Eastern meditation seemed inappropriate to the life I was leading. I wanted instant nirvana or nothing. That’s Western mentality for you. As for religion and god – this is what Vorosak told me: –

‘One day the Buddha was sitting with a number of learned men. One asked of him:

‘Is there a god?’

The Buddha thought hard before replying.

‘If you were shot with an arrow which had pierced your side, before having the arrow removed by a physician and the wound treated, would you first enquire who had fired the arrow? To what family did he belong? To what caste? Where did they come from? How many members did the family have? From what trees were the bow and arrow fashioned? From what animal were the guts for the bowstring created? Where the metal for the tip had been mined? Who had shaped the tip? From what bird had the feathers for the flights been plucked and who had manufactured them? Likewise the glue to hold them secure?’

The Buddha looked at the wise man intently.

‘Before you have the answers to your questions you would be dead.’

I liked that parable.

At the end of the days it is not about what you believe, how you’ve prayed, whether there is a god or not – it is about how you’ve lived your life, whether you’ve lived it to the maximum and whether you’ve been a force for good or evil.

No sane person would believe that any god would build a wondrous universe and then expect his creations to bore themselves to death in prayer and ritual, hate others and kill in his name. That is straight out of men’s warped minds (men – generic). If there is a god (which I do not believe for one minute) he would want you to live, love, build and enjoy.

So ISIS and all religious nutcases, indoctrinated fools and evangelical idiots can go hang – I’m for life.

Anecdote – The Lone Ranger – a tale in black and black.

 

Anecdote – The Lone Ranger – a tale in black and black.

AppleMark

The Lone Ranger.

I used to go to all those Saturday morning flicks where the audience of young kids would be baying at the screen as the good guys, all dressed in white all rode out to trounce the bad guys all dressed in black. If only real life was half as easy. Whenever there was a spot of bother you could always count on a masked rider in a big white Stetson and face-mask to appear with his great white stallion and faithful Native American side-kick, to come along and sort it out. Either that or Rin Tin Tin. I’ve always wondered why anyone would call a dog Rin Tin Tin? What does that mean?

However, The Lone Ranger was not always the most welcome of people.

Back in Manor House in 1972 I was living up on the top floor with Liz. Down on the bottom floor there was a guy who was greatly into his vinyl. He was called John.

Going round to John’s was like a religious ceremony. There was a ritual to his playing of music. The selected album would be carefully removed from its sleeve and taken out of its dust-jacket gently and taking care not to get a finger-print on the surface. Both sides would be wiped with an anti-static cloth. The album would be placed on the turntable and the stylus gently lowered. All parties were then expected to reverentially listen without a sound until the side had completed.

John was one of those music buffs for whom the quality of the system mattered. He desired the full gamut of breadth and texture of the aural experience with the complete separation of each instrument.

Music was serious business to John. It was not to be taken lightly. Nobody was allowed near his vinyl. He never lent his albums out and his stereo was the absolute top of the range.

I appreciate music in any form – through crappy car speakers, or a clapped out radio – it matters little. I’ve heard it played through the top quality speakers in professional studios and have to admit that it sounds a lot better, but even so it is the music that ultimately counts, not the sound system. John’s system was as near to perfection as you could get. His albums did not have a single click. It added to the quality but I’m not sure I could be bothered. But to John it was crucial.

Our landlord was 84 years old and was a little confused from time to time. Thus it was that when John went on holiday for four weeks it was a recipe for disaster.

John paid up his rent and went off.

Mr Rose for some reason got it into his head that John had left for

good. He did not like rooms being vacant – which I don’t think it was anything to do with the money – in his opinion a vacant room encouraged vermin.

So Mr Rose went round and emptied the entire contents of John’s flat into the corridor. Most people going into a flat full of possessions would have thought that there was something wrong. Why would anyone leave all their belongings and disappear having paid up the rent? But that did not occur to Mr Rose. The flat was empty and needed someone in it before the mice and rats appeared.

John came back, after a relaxing two weeks, to find his huge collection of over a thousand pristine albums piled up in heaps in an alcove in the corridor, along with his treasured stereo and all the rest of his possessions. Fortunately none of it had gone missing or been tampered with. But that wasn’t the point. This was sacrilege of the first order. His beloved vinyl collection had been treated with utmost disdain. It was sacrilege and he went completely mental.

After stamping and screaming at the bemused Mr Rose he moved his stuff out and took a flat elsewhere.

John then held a farewell party in his old flat. He bought gallons of black gloss paint, rice and paint brushes (along with wine, beer and various other comestibles).

A few days later a totally befuddled Mr Rose asked me to come and help. He could not fathom out what was going on.

He took me down to John’s flat. It was broad daylight but the rooms were inky black. With the light coming in through the doorway we made our way inside over a strange sticky, crunchy floor. None of the lights seems to work and no light was coming in through the windows.

I checked out the bulb in the central light fitting. It was all bobbly. It had been painted with black gloss paint and rice.

We adjourned to get replacement lightbulbs. When we had new lights in the place we looked around in awe. All the walls, ceiling, floors, furniture, sinks, windows, curtains, bed and fittings had been coated with knobbly black gloss paint.

On one wall, in great big white brushstrokes, was painted the words – ‘DON’T FUCK WITH THE LONE RANGER!’

‘Why would anyone want to do a thing like that?’ Mr Rose asked incredulously.

But then he wasn’t a Rock music fanatic was he?

Anecdote – Ray’s death and the warehouse

Ray’s death and the warehouse

At sixteen I managed to secure a holiday job working in a warehouse storing plastic products – bowls, bins and such. I was working for six weeks before going back to school and into the Sixth Form. For me the job meant that I could buy some much needed clothes and some albums. I remember buying some desert boots, elephant cord hipsters and a turtle neck. I felt like a real beatnik. For me the six weeks were an interlude to be endured. For Ray it was to be the rest of his life. He had left school. This was going to be his life. School days were over for him.

The work was tough but OK. The Lorries would come in stacked with boxes of plastic goods. We would form a human chain, under the strict eye of the foreman, and unload them. We would build the boxes into great stacks reaching up into the rafters, and the rafters were high – forty feet in the air. Every other row would be tied to secure it. We would be staged at heights throwing the boxes from hand to hand up into the air, standing on a platform of boxes at different heights. It was hard work but fun. The guys who had been working there a long time had bulging biceps.

There were all kinds of skives and japes. The ‘old-timers’ in their twenties, would skive off by hiding. Their favourite ploy was to take out boxes from the base to create a cave, crawl in, pull a box in to shut it off and have a kip where the foreman couldn’t find them.

Sometimes one of the huge high stacks would start leaning and we’d have to go up and tie it to the beams.

Once a worker was found asleep under one of those leaning stacks. The foreman cut the strings holding the stack and it tumbled down on top of him. It took us ages to dig him out from under the boxes but he was unhurt.

They used to play tricks on us new workers.

The other part of the job was to take the large stacks down and load them back on to other Lorries. To do that the string holding the stacks into a cohesive body, had to be cut. The foreman instructed me to cut the strings on a stack. He directed me to cut the string from the bottom rows and work my way up. Like an idiot I did. At the top I leaned over and cut the last string. I suddenly found myself teetering on a huge unstable pile of boxes tens of feet in the air above the composition floor. The whole stack went down with me in the middle of it. It terrified the life out of me but they all found it hilarious.

Two weeks after I’d left to go back to school Ray fell off a stack and fractured his skull. He never recovered.