Jumping ahead a bit. This is where it starts becoming surreal and controversial. No holds barred. I was twenty when I wrote this. My mind was raging. I remember wanting to shock people into thinking. I was being deliberately offensive and provocative.
15.
Tuesday was going OK – nothing out of the ordinary. A famine swept through Africa on the heels of the drought and the Middle East war was still going strong. It was very much business as usual.
From where he was up here, God could feel the tingling pleasures of a billion prayers sweeping over his ethereal body as he lay back on his celestial couch. His name was being exalted in every language on Earth. It was very pleasing and comforting. It was a feeling that never ceased to be monotonous even after thousands of years.
Of course, there were the displeasing niggles of millions of curses that were a source of irritation as his name was abused in every name he had ever been called. But god was easy. You win some you lose some.
God was having a quiet time. He had no great calamities planned, no universal disasters. He’d toyed with an apocalypse – a nuclear war, or maybe a comet strike, but to be honest he couldn’t be bothered. He was feeling lethargic and needed to chill. He just wanted to lay back and let things take their course without any exertion from himself.
God was philosophical about it. He was getting older and needed his rest. He couldn’t do all that gallivanting around like in yesteryear, kicking up disasters, winding up prophets, initiating religions. He’d had great fun. But it all seemed so pointless now. He’d got bored with it and moved on. For the moment he was content to allow things to take their course.
He was jolted awake by what felt like someone jabbing a finger in his side. It caught him unawares.
‘Ouch!’ he muttered irritably. ‘What the hell was that?’
He focussed down onto the planet below to see what it was that had woken him up so rudely and disturbed his drowsy contentment.
Messny was tacking up a sheet of paper on the main university notice board. A small crowd was hanging round, checking out the board.
Messny was feeling proud of his notice. He had thought of it yesterday, typed it up on the computer and taken a lot of trouble with the design – the font, colours and border. It had worked well.
Messny had started at the University with his mind raging like a combine harvester heading downhill without a brake.
He stood back to admire his work. He thought it looked good.
‘We, the undersigned
regard God as a mass murderer who should be punished for his crimes against humanity – whether intentional or through neglect!
He, as an all-knowing and all-powerful being is purposefully causing the agonising deaths of countless human beings through drought, disease, starvation and warfare. Furthermore, countless more deaths can be attributed to him through the less obvious crime of ‘natural causes’. On top of this he causes people to be horribly maimed and suffer agonies.
‘Throughout history billions of innocent people have suffered incalculable pain when at a flick of his finger he could alleviate all suffering.
To allow such atrocities to occur we must conclude that he is a psychotic, sadistic Madgod.
As such we would demand that the authorities should have him removed from power and put in a place where he can no longer practice his wicked ways.
He should be replaced with a kind, thoughtful god, duly elected by the people, and behaving in a democratic, pleasant manner – a God who will put an end to separation by race or creed – a sensible god who will not induce sectarian hatred and war in the name of religion – a god who is good , who will organize things to create no misery.
We demand a god who will allow plenty of conflict but no hatred.
A happy god for a happy life.
Down with death, pain, misery and affliction!
DOWN WITH HATRED!!
DOWN WITH GOD!!!
The crowd of people, of every nationality and religion, stared at Messny’s declaration. They muttered darkly. The numbers began to swell.
Messny was delighted. He had never envisaged so great a response. The crowd was becoming thicker with every passing second. They pressed forward in their attempts to read his notice. Soon the foyer was jammed to bursting point.
Messny could not believe his eyes. This was beyond his wildest dreams. He had expected a minor response from a few people – maybe to outrage a person or two, but nothing on this scale. It was ridiculous.
But it hadn’t stopped there. The numbers were still increasing. They were pushing and crowding in. There was a loud hubbub and anger. Messny began to feel uneasy. This was peculiar. It was only a little notice. It might be a bit controversial but should not be attracting such a huge reaction. He’d never seen anything like it.
The emotions seemed to be boiling up. The crowd were milling round and creating lot of noise. Some had begun shouting. There was a whiff of violence in the air. Messny’s eyes were darting here and there, taking in the distorted faces and fury. Sweat was breaking out on his brow. His heart was racing and he wanted to get out of there. But he couldn’t. He was trapped. The crowd were pressing in so hard all around him that he found he could not move.
The atmosphere was angry and hostile. They were becoming like a football crowd out of control. A raucous baying was rising up all around him. Fists were raised in the ait. It was heading towards hysteria.
As if a switch had been clicked someone ripped the notice off the board and people clutched at it, ripping it to shreds
The frenzy seemed to be growing and rising to a crescendo.
Following an unseen signal they turned as a man and focussed on Messny. All around him the furious gargoyles of faces sent incandescent barbs of venom towards him. Messny cringed but they were all around, lips curled back in vicious snarls, teeth clenched, saliva dribbling, hands reaching with fingers hooked into claws. Terror welled up as Messny clawed to escape, but they were tearing and ripping at him with their talons, no longer human at all, crazed monsters. He screamed as the fingernails tore at his clothes and flesh. He screamed and screamed but they were relentless. They wanted blood. He felt himself go under as a tsunami of primitive savagery flowed over him and the fists, boots and teeth, ripped, thudded and bludgeoned.
In response to another subliminal cue the crowd went quiet and began to withdraw, moving backwards to form a space around the bloody broken body that had been Messny Krapbutt. Towards the rear people began silently dispersing. Within minutes the foyer was empty and all that remained with the pummelled gory corpse scattered with shreds of paper like confetti.
God sat back with a sigh and went back to his drowsy contentment.
