The Antitheists Dictionary – A sample

This was my attempt as an antitheist to create a dictionary of religious words. As someone who believes organised religion has been created by men and used by men for the purpose of accumulating power and wealth

I do not believe in god. For me nature and the spirituality of life and the universe is a billion miles away from the division and dogma of religion.

This book is full of humour – not hate. It may prove offensive to some people but such is the manner of satire.

I hope you enjoy it:-

Abbot

An abbot is a father who isn’t a father. He’s the head of a monastery in charge of a bunch of celibate monks. So there’s little chance of him being a father at all.

Abbots spend their days organising silences, talks with fictitious supernatural beings, sitting around and getting into bad habits.

Despite tales of debauchery with nuns they are not supposed to think about their todgers at all let alone touch them. They have to go to bed wearing boxing gloves.

The Abbot may also organise the brewing of lethal beers and wines. These are in no way to be used for pleasure or intoxication. I’m not really quite sure why they do brew the stuff if they are not allowed to enjoy it.

 

Abbey

An abbey is the buildings where the monks or nuns live. They are very draughty but that might be because Henry the Eighth had the idea of nicking all their immense wealth and pulling them down. Not a bad idea really. Those ruins look quite nice and still attract in a lot of tourism.

Henry was obviously very forward thinking.

 

Abraham

The great Patriarch of the whole Abrahamic religions: judaism, christianity and islam. So the guy’s got a lot to answer for. Without him we might have made a hell of a lot of progress.

Abraham championed the monotheistic tradition (if you don’t count the christian god as three). This was unusual for the times. There was a lot of pantheism and multiple gods about in that period.

I don’t know which is better.

Abraham was described as having lived to 175 years of age and was another of those people (all men) to whom the super pixie spoke in a vision. Seemingly he was given his new name and told all about the future troubles that were coming. He had loads of kids and we know how trying kids can be but that does not justify him dragging Isaac up a mountain and scaring the wits out of him as he built an altar and prepared to slaughter him with his great sharp knife. Fortunately the fairy was only kidding and testing Abraham out.

How many of these secret visions are we supposed to take on trust? If the Pixie has something to say to us why doesn’t he just come out and say it? Why sneak about in caves, mountain tops and wildernesses speaking to guys in private?

There are other things that seem a bit odd: Abraham, like many of the great patriarchs, lived to a ripe old age. Sarah, his wife, supposedly had kids when she was close to a hundred.

Don’t you think it’s a little strange that the fairy was sorting all this out back then but doesn’t do it now?

Oh well.

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