‘I I I need to tell the great British people, aaaah, gashooks, that we are in great peril! Periculum magni! Gosh, it’s bad!’
‘There, there, there is only one answer. By Zeus. We’ve got to all come together to, aah, errr, fight this enemy. By Jove.’
‘We’ll um, er, wotsit, fight it in the fish and chip shops. Yes we will! In the supermarkets. Gosh. And in the pubs, yes the pubs. We, er, er, will stop at nothing! We will never, er, ever, surrender!’
‘And, and, this is why I’m telling the British people, the er gosh, freedom-loving people of our great country, that we have to, awf awf, destroy this virus, by golly, drive it into the sea! We shall, er er, never bally stop!’
‘So today I am taking major strides towards, yew yew, aaagh, making us all safe. And, and and we have to jolly well follow the rules. It’s jolly important! So from today the pubs will shut at 10 pm! That’ll show the blighter! We’re changing, arf arf, aaagh, social distancing to aaah, 1 metre 26, outside and .954 of a metre inside, or something like that. I can’t quite remember what that Whitty fellow said. Anyway, keep apart, except if you’re very rich er er, then you can shoot grouse and party all night because, aaaah aaaah, you won’t be spreading the disease. teams can play sport but, aaah, aaah, arf, they can only have three in a team, unless, aaah, urgh, they are all from the same family, or or or similar families, then it can be up to, um um a hundred. But er, er, only if they wear knee-length boots to er protect against airborne virus on the grass.’
‘And, um, er, er, remember – you have to jolly well work from home – but nip out to buy sandwiches and er er gosh, always use public transport! And er arf arf, wear a mask – though not one of me – or aaaah that serial killer chappie.’
‘So, err, eat out to save my arse and stay in to aaaah,save yours.’
‘So, arf arf, my friends, remember, we’re all in it together. An an an to jolly well bring into line, all those arf, pesky youngsters out partying like there’s no tomorrow – well actually, there isn’t any tomorrow, is there arf arf – we’re going to um er er fine you all, well huh, not quite all of you, but those blighters not following the rules, to the letter. My good friend Rishi says we need the cash. This, er er bally virus, is costing us a fortune! So it’ll be £10,000 quid a pop! Straight, um um, from your bank into, er eer, my pocket!’
‘I’m jolly, er, glad, we cleared all that up! Now it’s bally well past two-o-clock – er errr, time for my bottle of red and, err er, my afternoon nap.’
I always find it exhilarating to hear our illustrious leader speak. He manages to clarify things in such a magnificent manner. His oratory and use of language reminds me of Churchill after his fifth bottle.
So nice to see him being allowed out to use the teleprompter. I bet Cummings had his heart in his mouth.
It’s so good to see that despite being in a terrible state with a fast-rising rate (up to 4,368 new cases yesterday and science experts predicting up to 50,000 cases a day if this rate continues, hospital cases rising fast and death not too far behind) Johnson is proposing to shut pubs by 10.00 pm. That’ll stop it! There’s nowt like firm, decisive action – and this is nothing like firm, decisive action.
In the States there was another 39,127 cases and 426 deaths, while in Brazil it was only 13,439 with 377 deaths!
Today, being the last day of summer and temperatures of 22 degrees here in Yorkshire, we headed out for the day onto the moors. Walked up to the Roman road and had a drive around – glorious.
Tomorrow the temperatures drop and autumn is upon us. I wonder what autumn and winter, under the heroic leadership of Johnson, Rees-Mogg and Cummings, has in store for us?
Stay Safe everyone!