* A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. ‘My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him? ‘Well,’ said the vet, ‘Let’s have a look at him.’ So he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, ‘I’m going to have to put him down.’ ‘What!’ says the man. ‘Because he’s cross-eyed?’ ‘No,’ replied the vet. ‘Because he’s really heavy.’
* A man goes to the doctor. ‘Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside. Doc replies, ‘How’s that?’ Man says, ‘Now don’t you start!’
* Two elephants walk off a cliff…boom boom!
* What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
* So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said, ‘You look great. The world is your oyster. Go for it!’
* Apparently one in five people in the world is Chinese. There are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. Its either my mum or my dad or my older brother Colin. Or it could be my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.
* Two fat blokes in a pub. One says to the other, ‘ Your round.’ The other one says, ‘So are you, you fat bastard.’
OK – that’s enough.