relationship

Males and females are different. That is quite obvious and not merely restricted to the physical. There are physiological, emotional and psychological differences that are every bit as stark as the physical.

In terms of sexual needs and relationships those difference come from a psychology born of different priorities. It gives rise to different attitudes and desires.

The object of sex is to get as many copies of your DNA into the next gene pool as possible with a view to them going on to create further versions of themselves in future gene pools. It is the way we achieve immortality.

Sexual reproduction creates variation. Variation creates a range of offspring that enables adaptation to change. More variation – more likelihood of success in the distant future.

Male and female sexual strategies are different due to the nature of their physiology.

Males are capable of fathering thousands of children. One of their strategies to get copies of their DNA into the next gene pool is to go for quantity. They will seek opportunity to father children as and when it arises with as many different females as possible.

Females are only able to produce a limited number of offspring. Hence the female strategy is to go for quality. The female of the species makes herself attractive, draws in as many suitors as possible and selects the best. She then wishes to create a strong relationship in which her children can be brought up with security. She wants to provide the greatest chance of her limited number of progeny surviving and prospering and so invests a great deal of time, energy and effort in nest-building, relationship and nurture.

Males are also interested in quality and are prepared to invest in this nurturing. It is in their interests to raise healthy survivors who will prosper and pass their genes forward. Though they will always be looking for opportunities to father children in other nests.

Females too are not naturally as monogamous as they might appear. Variety is the name of the game  and if an opportunity arises to introduce variation into her offspring she will seize it. It makes sense for her to have a safe nest to bring up children, provided for through a stable relationship, while at the same time introducing variety from different contributing fathers.  Research shows that many children of seemingly stable, monogamous relationships have different fathers.

There is a biological imperative at work.

So how does this relate to pornography?

Males tend to view sex as physical and mechanical. They view their pornography as close-ups of the genitals and sexual act in detail. There is the minimum of relationship and it is devoid of emotion. The more lurid and graphic the better. They are excited by visual and auditory portrayals of sex. Male pornography exaggerates physical sex to the extreme.

Female pornography is completely different. Females are interested in relationship and tend to prefer the emotional side and exaggerate it to the extreme. The romance novel is as much pornography as the male sex magazine. The young female swept off her feet by the gallant male. The perfect love affair with its deeply romantic setting culminating in their perfect love-making under the delicate moonlight.

Of course I stereotype. There will be males and females who would be quite turned on by pornography aimed at the other gender. I merely suggest that firstly, the romance novel is as much pornography, in that it exaggerates an aspect of relationship out of all proportion, as what is regarded as male pornography, and secondly that the reality of sex must lie somewhere in the middle.

In order to foster better relationships we should understand the motivations that are behind our behaviour. Sex is a means to an end. Relationship is a compromise.