‘ Right, arf arf, jolly good. Yuk. Yes, yes well I’ve bloody well managed to sneak away and grab a – a – a few minutes without that er er godawful teleprompter. Righto!’
‘Good old Dom tells me that, er er, yaaah, some of you blighters don’t, er er understand what you’re jolly well meant to be doing, by Jove.’
‘Don’t you worry, I’m here arf arf. Can’t bally trust that bloody Raab to yuk yuk explain things.’
‘Who needs a bally teleprompter anyway??’
‘So, er er, I’m going to aaah, have to be quick, before Dom tracks me down.’
‘Firstly, we are in great er er peril. We have been, ya, forced to temporarilly take some er er drastic arf arf action. It’s um um not what I want. But we do, absolutely, need to shut pubs by ten o clock. Absolutely – no bones about it. Terra firma. So, by ten o clock, the country needs you home and errrrr safe. Desperatum.’
‘Just you bally-well remember, yuk arf, the rule of um um aah yes – six. That should bally do it. you can meet up with, with, err, your chums in the pub. You er should have time to get six pints down you by then, what! But er er only meet in groups of six per table. Right! But hundreds of you can er arf meet up at the pub – if it’s jolly well big enough and has lots of tables.’
‘Now, weddingsand funerals. Arf arf, splutter, well no more than six. Unless you want to hold errrrrr them in pubs. Then you er er can have as many as you like!’
‘So back to work. Gosh and golly, it’s safe. They’ve put lots of those hand jobbies in – er you know, save you having to er wash. And eat for Britain but starve for Covid! Work at home and, er awww use the busses and trains. Don’t bust the um ummmm NHS and all those, what, starving nurses.’
‘Now, umm, masks. Bally things. Dooh must be worn in emmm shops, unless you’re uhh eating. Splutter. So I suggest that err you arf arf do like me and aaah eat a jolly good British err sausage roll, delicious, bally cornish pasty or aaah something, every time you go in a shop. That wards off the jolly virus.’
‘Social distance. I bloody am. Not even my own blinking cabinet will er er come near me!’
‘Ooooh, aaah, while I remember! We’ve got a world-beating App out today! It turns red or er er something, when there’s a a um virus around! Something um like that.’
‘Oh, and er while I’m aaah at it, don’t believe all those bally rumours about Brexit. You’re not, chuckle, all going to um lose your jobs. They’ll still, er be some jobs left. And the M whatever it is, er um, is not going to be a bloody twenty er five mile carpark. We’re building a huge, massive new carpark for all those lorries. It’ll have um facilities for the drivers so um they er can can live there er er quite happily.’
‘Look, I know, erm erm that in many er places, like Germany and er Australia, you can erm errr just nip round the corner for a test, and errrrmmm get the bally results ten er minutes later. But, who errr want to live in Germany or Australia! I tell you, errr my butler certainly doesn’t!’
‘Oh gazooks, there’s bloody Dom looking for me. Got to be off!’
It must be tough at the top! Making all those decisions that stop us having the worst death rate in the world. What? We have got the worst death rate! Well, at least the economy isn’t too bad. What?? We’re the worst at that too!
World beating and invisible!
Today it was cold and it rained all morning so I played my Fela Kuti and wrote my Harper book. It’s slow progress. I waited in for my BT engineer who never showed up. Now I’m waiting for a BT phone call from the BT manager – which also seems not to be happening. I’m beginning to think that BT is an arm of the Tory party.
Here in the UK it looks dire. New cases up zooming – up to 6,634 yesterday. The deaths, which lag behind are up to 40 and hospital cases are rising fast! What’s the betting on a circuit breaking lockdown??? I’ll put a thousand or two on it!
So great to have a government that knows what it’s doing – roll on winter!
In the States it’s another 42,917 new cases and 885 deaths – but it’s still a democratic hoax! Keep taking the bleach!
In Brazil, try as he may, Bolsonaro can’t quite catch up – another 32,817 new cases with 831 deaths – not too far behind.
Perhaps Johnson should ask Vietnam how it’s done??? They had no new cases yesterday and have only had a total of 1069 cases and 35 deaths since all this began. The USA exceeds that every 40 minutes!
Anyway – stay safe! Isolate, wash and stay out of pubs!!