Beauty tips for mature Yorkshire Lads
Straight from the Nothern Powerhouse – if you’re pissed off with all those beauty tips that tell lasses that they’re worth it and tell ’em how to get tarted up, then get on to these great tips. These are essential beauty tips for us blokes!
Because you’re worth it!!!!
- Mayonaise/Black pudding for wrinkles round the eyes and soft skin that lasses like to run their fingers over. Ladle on a thick layer of Hellman’s over face, back and chest. Cover eyes with slices of black pudding. Leave for 3 days for a pefect result – because you’re worth it!
- The Yorkshire tan – the gravy stain – why waste time in a tanning parlour when you can get a lovely lass to rub it in for free! Aaaaah Bisto!
- Washing up liquid shampoo – If it’s good for the hands!! Just dunk your head in the bowl after you’ve washed up! Why waste good water!
- Defoliate with ajax and a scourer! Try the metal scourer for lasting effects! It removes all unwanted dry skin!
- The toilet plunger for under the arm care – A bit of used engine oil for lubrication and the toilet plunger (rinse first) can be used for removing unwanted odour. Plunge away for healthy armpits!
- Saturday night fashion tips – there are none! You’re good as you are.
- Fashion accessories for a night down the pub – anything you can think of – traffic cones, road signs, masks of Steve Bruce/Johnny Depp or a cardboard box.
- The minx effect for added attraction – spray WD40 under t’armpits – drives lasses mad – ‘ave ’em chasing round after yer.
- Lard – suffer from spots/acne, eczema?? – scoop on the lard – Vitamin z3 – paste it all over the body, seal with clingfilm and leave for three days – When you unwrap your skin will be perfect.
- Dripping – the revitaliser – Viagra of north – full of Vitamin z9 and Provitamin g as well as allolipidomosities – makes the Todger Podger. Eat three pound of lardy dripping straight before going out for the night. It’ll put zip in you.
- Used Engine oil for that well-groomed hair! Look good – smell good! Worked for Vin Diesel!
- Grey round the edges – dulux for colour – touch that hair up to perfection – whatever colour – brighten yourself up. (Good for beard and chest hair too – but be careful with the boxer line!). You can add streaks of red, green or blue for those special nights! Put a gloss on your life!
- Deodorant – goat and ferret extract – put dead ferret through mangle and stand juice in extract of goat bollocks for three months – souse armpits and you’re away lad!
I did all these for a year and I had lasses running after me (well they were running anyway – that’s a start!).