Opher Goodwin Interviews Boris Johnson on Covid-19

‘Good Morning Prime Minister. It is very good of you to give an exclusive interview to Opher’s World.’

‘Arf, arf, yeu, ahhh super!’

‘I thought we could start with a few questions on Covid-19 and the pandemic.’

‘Ya, er, I’d jolly prefer to talk about good wine or, er, football, eh?’

‘Why is it that we are among the worst death-rates in the world, Mr Johnson?’

‘Er, er err, jolly bad luck I would say.’

‘So nothing to do with policy or lack of preparedness?’

‘I should bally-well ko-ko. You know, er, arf, just bad luck. Plain bad luck.’

‘So you don’t think that doing what Vietnam and New Zealand did and shutting the borders, testing everyone who came in and getting on top of it right at the beginning would have helped?’

‘Er, no, er I should jolly well think not. The blighters were lucky. They had plenty of warning.’

‘But Prime Minister, Vietnam is right next to China. They were far nearer to Wuhan than we are.’

‘Look, bloody hell, nobody saw this coming.’

‘But surely that’s not true Prime Minister. We have had a series of similar pandemics – HIV, MERS, SARS, Avian Flu, Ebola, Swine Flu. We knew it was only a question of time. President Obama gave a big speech about the next pandemic. The WHO gave warnings. Even your own government back in 2017 ran a review – the Cygnus report – on our preparedness for a pandemic.’

‘Er, gosh, but, but, nobody could have, have, have seen anything like this.’

‘But what did you think a pandemic was going to look like?’

‘Wel, you know, gosh, golly, they only affect the Asian blighters don’t they? These bally pandemics don’t affect us in the West.’

‘I see. So you don’t think that our death-rate has anything to do with a lack of preparedness or strategies. The fact that your government allowed two million people back into the country, without checks or follow-up, when the pandemic was raging, had nothing to do with it?’

‘No way. Arf arf. Just bad luck.’

‘I see. So what were you doing when the pandemic started taking off in China in November?’

‘Er, arf, if you remember, we were holding a general election.’

‘Yes, but you must have had departments responsible for monitoring this.’

‘Oh, the civil service, you know. Who takes any bally notice of those wallahs?’

‘But when it was devastating Italy in February you must have started gearing up?’

‘That’s the EU. This is jolly England.’

‘Well let’s go back to the Cygnus report in 2017. That reported on our preparedness for a pandemic. It found that we were very poorly prepared. What did you do about it?’

‘Who reads these bally reports? All bloody jargon and codswallop.’

‘But the PPE? We should have had stocks. And the crucial chemicals for mass testing should have been stockpiled. Then there’s the ventilators and hospital beds.’

‘All daft details. We’re British we do things much better than all the jolly foreigners.’

‘But Prime Minister, our death-rate is one of the worst in the world. We have 58,245 deaths! New Zealand has 25, just 25 deaths. Even Vietnam has only 35 deaths. We have we done so badly?’

‘Look, errr err, can’t we talk about something else? Man U were a tad lucky yesterday, what?’

‘OK, OK – so why is our economy one of the worst hit in all the world? Is that anything to do with your lack of good leadership and policies?’

‘Urrrff, errrmmm. Er look, very sorry. I’ve, er, just remembered I’ve got an appointment. Sorry. Must dash. Toodle pip.’

2 thoughts on “Opher Goodwin Interviews Boris Johnson on Covid-19

  1. Opher: “Prime Minister, why did your health secretary mislead people back in May about how many tests had been taken, and how many of them had been positive?”

    BJ: “Arf, barf, that was some bloody statistician found out about that. I don’t do statistics; I only do lies and damned lies.”

    Opher: “And why did your chief advisor, Dominic Cummings, break lockdown restrictions back in March and April?”

    BJ: “Arf, carf, these regulations are only for the ordinary people. We Bullingdon Boys don’t have to obey them. Besides which, I sacked him… as soon as I found out he supported Leyton Orient.”

    …There’s potentially a lot more there. I almost finished a new COVID report today, but I found I needed to expand its scope. It’ll be a couple of days yet…

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