Tommy Cooper Quotes – An hilarious man – not so much quotes as jokes.

Some people have such a personality that they are larger than Life. Tommy Cooper was like that for me. I only had to see him and the tears would be rolling down my cheeks. It wasn’t just the jokes, it was his persona, his facial expressions and the way he did it. There was an absurdity to him, a vulnerability and a pathetic appeal.

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
I can visualise him saying it.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’
 That bewildered expression.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ’Can you give me a lift?’ I said ’Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’
The fez on the head.
Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet – it was a marriage of convenience!
I was watching the live television show where he collapsed and died. He went out to a standing ovation. Can’t get better than that.
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6 Crazy Kids but the last one is the best

I loved this post from Shoaib. It is wonderful what kids come out with and these are classic.

Today we will talk about an amazing and different  approach and of children. I’m going answers of 6 children; you may find these answers funny but think how creative answers children have. Let’s move towards first children

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Question number 1: How old is your father?

Kid: He is 6 years old.

Teacher: What? How is this possible?

Kid: He became father only when I was born.


Question number 2:

Teacher: Amber, go to the map and find north America.

Amber: Here it is.

Teacher: Correct.Now, class, who discovered America?

Class: Amber


Question number 3:

Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell “crocodile”?

Glenn: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L”

Teacher: No, that’s wrong.

Glenn: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.


Question number 4:

Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

Donald: H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O.

Teacher: What are you talking about?

Donald: Yesterday you said it’s H TO O.


Question number…

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Day 11 – a bit of levity

More great funnies from Raili!

soulgifts - Telling Tales

Markku fixing chairs TRH fixing some wobbly chairs

Today has been a day of handyman jobs and shopping. For your midweek entertainment, allow me to present you with a selection of the finest on offer this week :

He’s a cheat

My husband is a liar and a cheat.  He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything.  What’s worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It’s so humiliating.  Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn’t even looked for a new one.  All he does all day is smoke cigars, play golf, cruise around and shoot ball with his buddies, while I work so hard to pay our bills.  Since our daughter went away to college and then got married, he doesn’t even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian.  What should I do?

Signed:
Confused

Answer..

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Quotes – Dan Quayle – some utterances that leave you breathless.

The scary thing about someone like Dan Quayle is to think that this awesome intellect actually rose to become the second most powerful person in the world and, if there had been an accident or a stroke of ill health, could have had his finger on the nuclear button.

The other observation I would make is that the most hilarious things to come out of a person’s mouth are when an idiot speaks and is not trying to be funny at all.

This President is going to lead us out of this recovery.

Republicans have been accused of abandoning the poor. It’s the other way around. They never vote for us.

It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.

If we don’t succeed we run the risk of failure.

Bank failures are caused by depositors who don’t deposit enough money to cover losses due to mismanagement.

Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.

He certainly made me chuckle. He also made me even more aware that these people are put up there as puppets. The real power lies behind the throne. There are unseen people pulling the strings. They don’t want leaders who are too bright.

Even more quotes – Robin Williams

This is something I believe. I don’t go along with the ones who say there is nothing we can do – there’s no point in trying. I don’t believe that. It is always worth trying right up until you roll over dead. What else is there? You try your hardest to put things right. That’s why I write and blog! If I was younger I’d be out with Greenpeace!

No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.

A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills – no, no. They’d make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.

You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.

I miss him too! What a sad end to someone so full of life.

More Quotes – Groucho Marx – Rapier wit and hilarious views

Groucho Marx had a way of saying things that made you laugh and yet at the same time it said something pertinent.

Here’s a few of my favourite. I particularly like the politics one – it sums it up for me. Politicians poke their nose into things they know nothing about, pontificate, pass legislation and mess things up. There are many areas – like education – that they should keep their ignorant, dogma-filled, noses out of.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

The Whorehouse and the Church.

This interesting case was sent through to me from an old school-friend who now resides in Australia. I thought it was hilarious so I’m sharing it with you.
Thanks Graham!
What an interesting turn of events in Pahrump, Nevada..
 
Diamond D’s brothel began construction on an expansion of their building
to increase their ever-growing business.

In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the
business from expanding — with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer
sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D’s progressed right up until the week before the
grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to
the ground!

After the brothel burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the
church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about “the
power of prayer.”

But late last week ‘Big Jugs’ Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the
church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that
the church … “was ultimately responsible for the demise of her
building and her business — either through direct or indirect divine
actions or means.”

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously
denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building’s
demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff’s complaint and the
defendant’s reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, “I don’t
know how the hell I’m going to decide this case, but it appears from
the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly
believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation
that thinks it’s all bullshit

Comedy Relief

Raili really gave my day a kickstart. Made me laugh. Nip over and have a look at her site. There’s lots on offer.

soulgifts - Telling Tales

* Warning: contains naughty language and sex *

Love Story
scones

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering agonies on his way to his final moment, he suddenly smells the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, gripping the wall, he slowly makes it to the kitchen.
There, piled on a tray are his favourite scones.Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted
Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked…

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Sunday Silliness

A bit of fun to cheer up Sunday.

soulgifts - Telling Tales

Blonde Helping a Trucker

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?”

“Sure,” answered the blonde, “do you need a lift?”

“Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble”

“I’d be happy to,” said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went. Five hours later…

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