The Truth – A humorous short story

The Truth

‘Hmmmmppphhh, hmmmmmmppph, arf arf, I say.’

‘Boris, ya mean old son of a gun, how are you out there in blighty? Still doing bigly? Real bigly?’

‘Ya ya, arf. Heavens to Murgatroyd, all going bally well.’

‘Can’t talk long. On the golf course, bigly shot, big, bigly shot. I’m going for another hole in one on the eighteenth. Should have seen the seventeenth. Such a good shot down the green. The best. The best shot ever in history. Best ever. But some leftie went an’ put a bunch of trees in. Commie plot to undermine me. It’s a witchhunt. They’re all out to get me, to steal my perfect shot! Some magnetic thing they put in the ball. Took it way off. Way off. They stole it from me!’

‘Well actually, hrrrmmmppphh, arf, haa, I’m is a teeny, errrr, spot of bother.’

‘Yah. All’s good though. One of my flunkies put the ball where I really hit it! In the hole. I’m not gonna let them commies steal my game from me! What did you say Boris? Seventeen holes in one!! Greatest ever. Real great. Never greater’

‘Yo, errr cripes, I mean, err, I’m in a bit of a pickle.’

‘You mean that dill sauce they put on hamburgers? That pickle? You dribbled it down you? I always dribble it down me. Every time I take a bite of one of those whoppers. Don’t you just love those whoppers?? Best damn hamburgers in the world – best ever! The most bigly hamburgers! I love those hamburgers. But that Biden. You can’t trust him. He makes that sauce all slushy so you get all down your PJs. Every night I have three of those whoppers. Loads of fries. And I get the sauce everywhere. But Stormy, she loves it, licks it right off me. Don’t you just love ham? Best meat ever. Who invented the whopper? Should get the Nobel prize! I’ll see what I can do. Service to mankind. Stormy loves that sauce. Biden’s a loser! But hamburgers. Yum. That man took ham and made it taste like beef. Genius. Don’t worry if you get pickle down you. Just get that Arcuri bitch to lick it off for you. She’s hot. Works with me. Who invented that whopper?? And the cheeseburger…..’

‘Arf, arf, no aw, errr, nothing to do with hamburgers actually, bai Jove, just the jolly old press. They’ve got it in for me.’

‘Hang on. OOOOOffff! Aaaah no! Into the water! Some leftie Biden creep sabotaged my clubs!! The lying jerks! Ahh – It’s OK Rudy just dived in an’ got it out. Look at that dye run! That’ll teach that lyin’ Biden!! Messin’ with my clubs; tryin’ to steal my game! ………. Nearer the hole Rudy. That’s where it would have gone. That’s where it is! It’s a witchhunt! They stop at nothing these lefties.’

‘Errrr umphhhh, ya, They keep saying I’m lying. I mean, lying arf arf. I’m a politician. What do they jolly well expect?’

‘Fake news! Tell ‘em it’s all fake news. It’s the lefty press trying to make you look bad. They tried to make me look bad. Real bad. Badly bad. They lied about the bleach. That corona stuff. It’s a hoax. Yeah, nothing but a big hoax. Biden and Clinton dreamed it up. Came out of a chinky lab. It’s a commie plot. They’re just trying to make me look bad. Bigly bad. But I told them. It’s nothing. It’ll go away. Get back to work. All fake news. The media has it in for me. They lie. They say that bleach doesn’t work. I know it works. It says on it – kills 99.9%. They just wanted to make me look bad so Biden could steal the election. Those suckers should have stormed the Capitol and lynched that Peolosi bitch like I told them to. Restore order. The UV works. They know it does. All lefty witchhunts. Now they shut down my twitter! They stole my Presidency. They all lie. It’s all fake news. When I drain that swamp I’ll bury them all in it. That’s it Rudy. I think it went in. I’m sure it went in. If Biden hadn’t messed with my clubs it’d be a hole in one! I deserve it. I did it. That shot was great – the greatest. Nobody could do it better! Hole in one. Clean sweep. I did it again. Eighteen holes in one. Let that decrepid Biden try doing that! I’m a pro – a bigly pro. Damn commies. Vlad told me. He said they’d try to mess with me. They cheat. ‘

‘ But err, err, I say, arf arf, what do I bally do about it?’

‘Do what your mate Farage did. He’s a great guy. Would make a great prime minister. I could get on with him. He’s bigly good. Came on my rallies. Said nice things about me. I like that guy. He never let facts get in the way! Never trust experts. The scientists are all bought off by Biden. All that climate change. All a hoax. They just want to stop me making money. Cash. You can’t beat the cash. Vlad always says that. Cash is truth. The scientists say what they’re paid to say. Follow the cash. They all lie. It’s all fake news. Everyone knows the world is flat. Science is all lies. But they didn’t stop me. I made $1.6 billion big ones! I would have made a lot more but I had to pay off a lot of guys, a lot of guys, big guys. Vlad and the mafia don’t mess around. You want those guys on your side. And Stormy, she loves cash. The more cash the better she licks. I love cash. You can’t beat a dollar. Those losers took it off me! They’re trying to check my tax returns. I paid tax. I paid some back in 2007. Thirty dollars! It’s just a witchhunt.’

‘But err, arf, even my party are saying I lie. My ratings are hmmmmppph, errr, bally dropping!’

‘Great Rudy!! A hole in one!! Plonk it in Good guy!! I knew it was. Hole in one. That’s the truth.’

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