My best mate Pete came to visit. We were lamenting the sad state of affairs where modern-day humans were no longer endowed with the imagination to develop new religions. This is a remarkably sad state of affairs. We used to be able to churn out new religions at a fast rate of knots. Now we’re stuck with the old ones and none of them are fit for purpose in the 21st century.
Pete suggested Cult-ivation. We sorted out all the ingredients required!
a. A unique god with a foreign name
b. A chosen people – including us
c. A revelation with lots of fire and explosions, dazzling light – revealed by us
d. A dogma (with uncomfortable requirements) that everyone has to follow to the letter but which requires superhuman effort
e. Strange costumes – identifying elite and common acolytes, women and those to be ordained – separating believers from non-believers. very big hats, turbans, mitres, loads of jewels, colour and symbols. Identifying hairstyles – a wide shaved furrow three inches wide from forehead to nape.
f. Dietary restrictions – the more restrictive the better
g. Distinct method of prayer involving discomfort and arduous requirements, kneeling om rocks, bashing forehead
h. Fasting at times of day and for periods of the year until unable to stand
i. Lots of paraphernalia – chalices, cilices, crooks, orbs, incense, sacred daggers, spears, shields, symbols, weird sticks, metal amulets, tattoos, thrones, special ornaments.
J. A Prophet/Messiah who is the only one who can commune with the god – us
k. A testament based on the word of god as dictated by god to us
l. Unpleasant surgery
m. Inbuilt prejudice against groups of individuals – entire races, genders, minorities
n. Ceremonies with lots of ritual taking much time and energy
o. Colossal ornate buildings (cathedrals/mosques/minsters/temples) requiring much labour and sacrifice – amazing art and grandeur – proving it all must be true.
p. Birth, death, coming of age and entry into the religion, rituals
q. A heaven/paradise/ambrosia/nirvana exclusively for believers
r. Horrendous eternal punishment for non-believers or deviants or not following strict rules – hell and worse
s. A nemesis – devil/satan figure
t. An unknowable/mysterious purpose only revealed to the most devout
u. A set of moral requirements impossible to meet
v. Forgiveness for believers after due penance only dispensed by priests for a fee
w. Hatred of all non-believers. Much violence required.
x. A demand to spread the word and convert the whole world. Mandatory.
y. Relics to be sold
z. Idols to be blessed
Money and donations gratefully received!