Green – by John Phillips.


‘it’s a load of rubbish.’ Yorkie thumped the table. ‘I tell you. It’s rubbish. You’re being conned.’

‘How can you say that?’ Chris shook her head in exasperation. ‘The proof’s all there. Global warming is a fact. End of.’

‘Proof? What proof? You’re being conned. They’re just out to control you. That and make a load of money. You commies fall for it every time.’

‘You’re an idiot Yorkie. Are you blind? The world’s warming up. Ice caps melting, sea levels rising, Gulf Stream slowing down. I mean, what more proof do you need?’

‘It’s all lies. Control. That’s what it’s all about. Boody commies, tree-huggers, vegetarians. You’ll believe anything.’

‘Well how do you explain all these weather events – storms, extremes of hot and cold? Come on,explain.’

‘Weather’s always been unpredictable. Same as always. Business as usual. Same as always will be. What do you reckon Cuff?’

‘I reckon you’re dead right. Carbon emmissions, wind power. It’s all nonsense. You can’t beat good old fossil fuels, or maybe nuclear.’

‘Oh come on Cuffy,’ Steve laughed. ‘What’s wrong with wind power? I really rate those turbines. It’s proven. They are the future.’

Cuffy shook his head. ‘OK ‘til they catch fire, and anyway what about the concrete? Aren’t they set in concrete? Concrete’s a major pollutant isn’t it?’

‘That’s it Cuff. You tell ‘em!’ Yorkie leaned forward triumphantly. ‘They’ll believe anything. Next thing they’ll be telling us is that they’re getting vaccinated.’

‘Of course I’m getting vaccinated. I’ve already had my first jab. Haven’t you?’

‘No! And I’m not going to. It’s all nonsense. No such thing as Covid. It’s just a trick to get you vaccinated. They inject you with a microchip. It’s that bloody Bill Gates. He’s behind it.’

Steve laughed. ‘C’mon Yorkie. Course there’s Covid. I mean what about all those people who have died?

‘All Lies.’ He smirked at Chris. ‘That Gates – he’s a tree-hugger and I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s not a vegetarian.’

Chris leaned forward. ‘So you’re saying that Bill Gates has invented Covid in order to microchip everyone.’ She laughed. ‘Here we go again. Now tell us Yorkie, why would he do that?

‘Control. That’s what it’s all about.’ Yorkie nodded vehemently. ‘They can trace you anywhere in the world. He’s one of them you know.’

‘One of what, or should I say whom?’

‘He’s one of the gang of twenty. Read about then in ‘The Sun’.’ He turned to Steve. ‘You know who I mean, don’t you?’

Steve laughed. ‘Oh you mean the Illuminati.’

Yorkie thumped the table in triumph. ‘That’s them! That there David Icke knows all about them. There’s twenty of the buggers. All lizards. That’s what Icke says. They’re the ones who control the world.’

‘And you got all this from ‘The Sun’?’

Chris shook her head. ‘You can’t believe anything you read in ‘The Sun’.’

‘That’s what you say. They’ve got it all sussed. Global Warming, vaccinations. All rubbish. You’re being conned. That Corbyn, he knows all about it.’

‘Jeremy Corbyn?’ Chris angry now. ‘For goodness sake Yorkie. You really are a moron.’

‘No. Not that commie bastard. I mean his brother Giles. Real visionary. He soon put them right.’

‘I suppose he’s a holocaust denier too?’

Cuffy slammed his cup down. ‘That Hitler wasn’t so bad. OK so he went a bit over the top.’ He chuckled. ‘At least he solved the unemployment problem and for sure he wouldn’t have had any truck with this Green nonsense.’

‘Hitler was a vegetarian.’

Yorkie smirked. ‘I knew there was something not quite right. A good beef-steak now and again would have sorted him out good. I tell you, veggies and vegans, all crackers.’ He sneered at Chris. ‘I suppose next thing you’ll be buying an electric car?’

I couldn’t afford one, but I would if I could. We’ve only got one planet, we’ve got to look after it.’

‘One planet,’ Yorkie shook his head. ‘You’re talking rubbish. There’s millions of them out there. Where do you think these, er, what did you call them Steve?’


‘That’s it. I’ll tell you where they come from. They’re aliens. Come in on the U.F.O.s ages ago. They are the ones running the show.’ Yorkie’s voice rose an octave in excitement. ‘I tell you, all the great people believed in aliens and the like. Hitler, Trump and that Russian bloke, all believers, all visionaries.’ He glared at Chris. ‘You lot think you’re clever but you’re not. No idea what’s really going on. No idea at all.’

Chris sighed deeply. ‘I suppose you’ll be telling us next that the Earth is flat?’

Yorkie stared at her in amazement. ‘Are you stupid or what? Of course the bloody Earth is flat. If it wasn’t we’d all fall off and float away.’

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