Warning: This is highly offensive, sacrilegious and hilarious. If you of a religious persuasion I advise you not to read this!
Caliphate
A Caliphate is an islamic State set up to succeed that State set up by Mohamed. The leader is the successor to Mohamed and known as a Caliph.
What a sorry state of affairs as different ‘Caliphs’ were set up by different groups with the Sunni and Shi’a both proclaiming ‘I got you, babe’. Take your pick. Are you of a sunny disposition or afraid of sheer drops?
Cardinal Sin
Loads of sin has been committed by Cardinals. There more than one little boy or girl who life has been fucked by a Cardinal. The kings of the kiddie fiddlers.
A Cardinal sin is a big one that condemns you to hell. This would be something like declaring there is no god or some such thing. You’d probably get away with mere rape, murder or torture. It’d have to be something big like wanking while you’re saying your prayers (which I hasten to add is something I wouldn’t dream of doing! – I don’t say prayers!)
Cards
Seemingly some people who are psychically attuned can read the future just from the selection of cards. – Amazing. Let’s hope they don’t tell all the fat cats at the stock market about it. They’re swilling about in it already. We don’t need them getting their mitts on any more of the world’s loot. That 1% already own half the world. There’s enough starvation and poverty already without them being able to read the future and swindle us even more.
Fortunately it doesn’t work – our money’s safe in our bankers’ hands.
Cathedrals
These are another example of the ICBMs of world religion. They have to compete with the Taj Mahal and Egyptian Pyramids for the contest to see ‘whose is the biggest’. This is an arms race that has been going on since time immemorial. It started with ‘Who can build the biggest mound?’ It moved on to ‘Who could stand the biggest rocks on end?’ Then it got into ‘who could build the biggest pile of rocks’. Then, as technology improved, it became ‘who could build the biggest most elaborate and ornate building possible?’
There’s a lot of psychology in this:
- Mine’s bigger than yours therefore I’m better
- I’ve invested so much into this that it proves beyond doubt that the whole pile of bullshit religion behind it must be true
- Look how powerful we are. Shut up and do as we tell you.
There is no doubt that this has resulted in some of the most unique, beautiful and incredible structures known to man. They are a wonder to behold and a credit to man’s ingenuity and imagination. They have pushed the frontiers of technology and creativity to the brink.
I love them all from the earliest mounds, the stones, pyramids and dolmens to the Cathedrals, Mosques and Temples. If it wasn’t for the daft religious sentiments that lay behind them they would be a triumph.
The most impressive cathedral I’ve had the pleasure of seeing was Gaudi’s The Basílica i Temple Expiatori de la Sagrada Famíliain Barcelona. What an incredible building and it is not even finished. But then I like unfinished things. I love Stonehenge and they haven’t even built the walls let alone put the roof on.
Nowadays they are still investing huge sums of money to continue this arms race. The more majestic the edifice the more important the religion, the more gullible souls are taken in by it.
Catholic
Seemingly the pope’s a catholic. He’s infallible which means that he never makes a mistake – not even when burning heretics like what happened to Bruno or nearly happened with Galileo (the father of physics astronomy and maths) who they fell out with the church because he had a thing about the sun being in the middle. The church disagreed. They burnt anyone who didn’t agree that the Earth was the centre of everything.
Of course they have changed their minds now and accept that there is a whole universe out there and we are in fact a tiny little planet in an out of the way arm of a fairly inconsequential galaxy and hardly the centre of anything.
It does bring the infallibility a bit into question, doesn’t it?
The roman catholic church is the biggest in the world with over a billion gullible indoctrinates. It spreads the words of Jesus as put in the gospels of various disciples – though we don’t know who actually wrote those gospels. All we know is what we are told – and that is that the gospels are exactly right, the actual words of the supernatural fairy, and the church is infallible.
The catholic church is the only one that’s right – just like all the other religions. They too are the only ones that are right.
They have organised loads of interesting stuff like crusades, inquisitions, mass burnings, persecutions, witch hunts and a series of events in which slaughter, torture, child molestation and stupidity feature strongly.
Constantine has a lot to answer for.
Caves
Seemingly a place you go off to where no one else is around and an archangel will seek you out to pass on personal messages from the great pixie.
The pixie only likes caves, wildernesses and mountain tops. Because of extreme shyness he abhors World Cup stadiums, prime time TV or chat shows.
Perhaps, if he wants to be taken seriously, he should take some therapy to assist with public speaking and widen his range of confidants.
That’s only a suggestion. But it would be fun wouldn’t it? Just imagine the look on everyone’s face when they tune in to catch the Superbowl and find god bellowing at them!
Celestial
The term Celestial refers to religious beings and paraphernalia that are up in the sky – hence angels, gods, and heaven. Whenever I’m going on a jet plane it’s so frustrating having to wait before take-off while they clean all the mashed up angels out of the engines. Besides, it makes flying more dangerous. Those harps can seriously damage a Rolls Royce engine.
You just never know what you’re going to bump into when you go through those clouds and up into the stratosphere.
Celibacy
The pixie does not like fucking or wanking. Anyone caught fucking or wanking will be severely dealt with unless it can be proved there was no pleasure in it and it was most definitely just for procreation purposes. That’s fine but difficult when it comes to wanking. For homosexuals it is apparently doubly worse. I suppose it is extremely hard for them to prove they are being procreative.
This is particularly true if you happen to be a priest. Your seminal fluid is seemingly valuable. In order to be pure to deliver the word of the great supernatural pixie, who sees all, can do everything and loves you, you have to be pure.
The exception seems to be that it’s OK to abuse choirboys and altar boys. Seemingly the pixie doesn’t take too much exception to that. Its women he is leery of. Besides you can always confess and be absolved of your sins. That puts the clock back to zero.
Oh I’ve had enough of this. Who gives a fuck about celibacy anyway? These religious people are all a bunch of hypocrites. They like fucking as much as anybody else. They just feel guilty about it.
Censorship
Censorship is an attempt by fanatics to prevent people being stimulated to think. The last thing religious or political tyrants want is a population that questions their stupidity or the anything that counters their view. Seemingly certain views are not open to discussion; they are set in stone. There can be no debate. To debate the facts of religion might upset their indoctrination programme.
Religious fanatics seek to impose their own views on everyone else. This tends to be an austere programme of prayer, wearing the right costumes, eating the right food at the right time and right living (as described in their own version of the truth). Pleasure in any form is extremely suspect.
As for me I quite enjoy a bit of hedonism if not taken to extremes. There is nothing wrong in sex, intoxicants, music, theatre, film, dance, humour and good friends.
The whole subject of whether there is a god, or the way our present religions have evolved out of previous pagan religions in mediaeval times and consequently have all the trappings of misogynist dogma associated with those ignorant societies, the brainwashing of children, or the way religion is a manmade fabrication, should be open for full public debate and scrutiny. It is reprehensible that the cynical powerful elite who pull the strings and indoctrinated morons should cry blasphemy in outraged affront.
In the absence of a god there can be no blasphemy.
If brainwashed prudes of the Abrahamic mediaeval tradition, disgusted by the sight of their own bodies, want to restrict my appetites, as far as I’m concerned they can go fuck themselves.
There should be no censorship. Censorship is the enemy of truth.
Cherubs
Cherubs are the little fat baby angels you see in paintings. They are so obese that you wonder how their tiny little wings can keep them airborne. Seemingly human imagination was extreme limited back in the dark ages and they did not know too much about aerodynamics.
It makes you wonder. What do you have to do to become a cherub? When you get over the other side can you choose what age to be? What body to have? And if you start off as a cherub do you sort of slim down and become an Angel in your teenage years (I suppose you probably hit your teens after a few billion years given that there’s eternity to play with). You often see cherubs improbably suspended on clouds. That’s weird. Medieval cultures must have thought clouds actually had substance.
Those mediaeval people really believed that heaven was above the sky and hell below the earth. So it was natural to put people up in the heavens. They then had to struggle with how they stayed up there – hence the wings. As there was nothing up there but clouds that was the only thing they could have them sitting around on. To sit on the sun would give you a hot botty.
How preposterous can you get? It illustrates the absurdity of religious thought. It was dreamed up by morons.
Choirboys
They sing beautifully to the glory of the supernatural fairy right up until their voice breaks. In order to stop this happening it was fairly common practice to chop their balls off. I’ve heard that it was not a very popular choice to apply to be a choirboy.
We now know that many Catholic Priests who had taken a vow of celibacy thought that this did not apply to choirboys. They fucked up many a life.
Christ
This is all a little confusing. The word christ literally means the anointed one i.e. He’s had water chucked over him and is the Messiah. Some believe Jesus was the anointed one. That makes him the Messiah so they call him Jesus Christ. The christians believe that Jesus is the Messiah and are now waiting patiently for the second coming. (I too remember waiting in vain for the second coming). The jews didn’t get on with Jesus even though he was a jew and they’re still even more patiently waiting for the first coming (I know what that feels like as well). The muslims accept Jesus as the Messiah but not as the son of god. That’s a sort of halfway house. I think they do that just to be different.
Christening
This is when you baptise young infants before they get old enough to have a mind of their own. Then you can set about the serious business of indoctrinating them so that when they reach adulthood they don’t have a mind of their own.
It’s all clever stuff. These religions know what they’re doing. They’re in the business of brain-washing as many kids as they can get their hands on.
Christian
Someone who believes that the fictitious pixie is a kind, loving guy who just happens to burn non-believers for ever in the pits of some everlasting hell-fire for their own good. If necessary it is imperative to take up arms and kill for gentle Jesus.
They believe this made up psychopath is not really an evil bastard. He has our best interests at heart. We just have to humour him.
After all they are christians because they believe the celestial father sent his only son (a little hazy on the actual dynamics of parentage) to be murdered for us. Strangely he is omnipotent and could have done this in a number of easier ways but then there wouldn’t be any christians would there?
Christian State
Having any religion, such as christianity, with any input into the power structure of a country is an insult to the freedom of the people. Religion should be a personal matter. If it starts to intrude into the running of the country and the laws that pertain it should be opposed with all the strength possible.
Politics should be secular.
Religion has no right to interfere with how anyone lives their life. An individual’s life is their own to decide on; unless the dimwits choose to turn to an Iron-age doctrine from illiterate uneducated people who lacked the benefits of the insight of science and technology in the vain hope that the ignorant peasants from the past know more than the educated scientists of the present.
We fought wars for hundreds of years from the days of the Age of Enlightenment to keep Europe secular. If we are not careful we could well slide back into the Dark Ages again.
Religion is tyrannical. Theocracy is positively evil.
Christmas
Christmas was stolen from the pagans. Surely that goes against the Ten Commandments? Christians should feel ashamed and give it back. They keep doing this – nicking stuff out of other people’s fantasies. They’ve done it with Easter and floods, plagues and even Eden.
Christmas is the pagan mid winter solstice tarted up in christian clothing.They’ve taken the whole shhmoodle from the old religion:
Santa Claus in his red and white Amanita muscaria mushroom clothing is the shaman flying through the sky on his sledge. We worship the tree in the house and burn it on the fire for new warmth and light.
It is the big celebration of the start of a new cycle when the days draw out.
I suspect the pagans had a bit more fun though. I bet it wasn’t the odd Christmas card back then. I bet there was a lot of loud music, fucking and drinking going on before the prudish christians put a stop to fun.
I think I would have preferred the old pagan mid-winter solstice celebrations!
Circumcision
So let’s get this right – the pixie made humans in his exact image? So does the pixie have a foreskin or clitoris? If the Pixie has a foreskin and/or a clitoris why does he now want us to chop ours off? If the pixie hasn’t got a foreskin/clitoris then why have we if we were made in her/his image? Couldn’t he/she have sorted this out in the beginning? It’s not fun having bits of you cut off in order to conform to an image.
The truth of the matter is that this has nothing to do with religion.
Male circumcision was purely tribal. There was a means of recognising people from your tribe.
In war they used to collect the foreskins of fallen warriors as trophies. They couldn’t if they didn’t have one.
Male circumcision is no big deal. It is painful and can lead to nasty infections and complications but not too many. It is just medically unnecessary. Why subject your baby to needless pain and discomfort and a degree of risk? Surely we’ve got beyond tribalism in the civilised world?
Female circumcision on the other hand is barbaric.
There is no excuse for it.
To slice the clitoris and labia off a baby girl with a blunt, rusty razor-blade is the worst sort of child abuse. It is mutilation. There is no religious excuse for such terrible treatment.
To surgically remove it in a hospital theatre with full anaesthetic is almost as bad.
Female genital mutilation stems from the type of misogyny that typified old Middle Eastern tribal cultures (among others). Women were chattels. They were possessions there to be used. You chopped out their sexuality so they could not experience pleasure. You didn’t want to have to spend time having to satisfy a woman’s needs. It was better if she had none. She could be taught how to totally focus on satisfying her man.
People who carry out this child abuse should be locked up for life. They are evil.