There were categorically no parties (apart from the 22 being investigated)!
All Covid rules were followed (apart from the occasions where people are being fined for not following the rules)!
I was not there (apart from the four that I attended)!
No lawbreaking took place (apart from all the laws that were broken)!
I thought they were work gatherings (apart from the ‘bring your own booze, party costumes, quizzes, music, cake and nibbles)!!
Just because lots of people are being fined for flagrantly breaching the rules we had just brought in does not mean there was lawbreaking (we thought the rules did not apply to us)!
We have to wait until the MET police have completed their investigations (in order for me to tell whether I was there or not – even though I know I was there)!
I never lied to the public (apart from saying that there were definitely no parties in my flat or garden, that I knew nothing about them, that I wasn’t there and I was never there in person)!
I never lied to the House of Commons (apart from saying that there were definitely no parties in my flat or garden, that I knew nothing about them, that I wasn’t there and I was never there in person)!
I will definitely tell you if I get fined by the MET for breach of the law (like fuck I will)!
I will definitely release the Sue Grey report in full just as soon as the MET are through with handing out all their fines (after I’ve clipped out all the bits I don’t like)!
I do not need to resign (because I am a bumbling, lying buffoon that the public love and I’m above the law. I got Brexit done and beat Covid!)!
They won’t kick me out because there’s a war going on in Ukraine (besides, everyone knows I am a habitual liar and they all forgive me)!
I do not admit anything (even when caught red-handed)!
Partygate?? What Partygate??