This book consists of definitions of religious words interpreted by a cynical antitheist. It is hilarious

This book consists of definitions of religious words interpreted by a cynical antitheist. It is hilarious, highly offensive, subversive, sacrilegious and controversial. If you are religious and easily offended then I suggest you steer well clear.

Ashram

An Ashram is a place where lots of misguided people spend there life in pointless spiritual pursuits. They do no harm and sometimes make some nice handicraft. It would be nice if a lot more people joined ashrams – it would make commuting easier and we’d all have a nice lot of colourful trinkets.

People in Ashrams, while being quite fanatical; do not generally go around stoning non-believers and cutting off their heads. They have a much gentler image than that. Besides, quiet contemplation, meditation and yoga are good for mind and body. That’s to be encouraged.

Astral Plane

According to the ancient Greeks the stars were made of a different element. Souls had to pass through this astral plane after death on their way to the stars. The astral plane was inhabited by angels and other strange beings like that.

I wonder what those angels spent their time doing while they were sitting around in vacuum, trillions of miles from anywhere? So far the Hubble telescope hasn’t picked them up and none of our rockets have come back smeared with angel blood.

I don’t know who first thought this rubbish up but it was later used and adapted by all sorts of other religions. You could leave your body and go off flying through the astral plane.

What a great idea. You so want some of this rubbish to be true. Never mind. We can dream. They Moody Blues did a song about Timothy Leary, acid trips and astral planes. Acid and astral planes seem to go together well.

Astrology

Astrology was thought up before anyone knew what a star was. This was the age when people thought the world was all that existed and above us was a canopy with holes in through which god’s heavenly light shone through.

Astrology is so important to the Hindus that they ridiculously believe that it maps out there whole life. Seemingly if you can work out the exact second you were born you can work out the positions of all the planets and stars and map out everything that is going to happen to you. It’s called destiny.

Unfortunately my whole life was disrupted when a meteorite burnt up overhead and threw all the calculations out. I’ve been wandering aimlessly ever since. So all of this mad thinking of mine is due to a lump of space rock that happened to be in the wrong place the day my dad’s sperm shoved its nose into my mum’s egg.

You would not believe the lengths the Indians went to in order to observe and measure the stars so they got their intricate maps exactly right. At least it gave us a really good idea of the heavens when it came to doing some real science.

Even today there are millions of people who read their horoscopes and somehow believe that a twelfth of the world’s population are all going to meet a tall dark handsome stranger on the stroke of midnight.

There are otherwise rational human beings who still say silly things like ‘If it’s meant to be,’ or ‘It’s in the lap of the gods’.

No, I do not know how anyone came to believe that some distant planet, star or galaxy being in a certain segment of the sky was going to have any bearing on whether to stick or twist. I guess it’s all down to Skinnerian psychology.

Besides, I don’t like to think that everything I do is already ordained. Kinda takes the fun out of it. I like free will.

Atheist

An atheist is a person on the road to sanity. They have realised that the whole concept of a personal god is complete bullshit. They have managed, through intelligence and rationality, to break free of their childhood indoctrination. They are no longer subject to brainwashing and can begin to accept the universe as it is, appreciate its beauty, live life to the full, develop their own moral code based on sound philosophy without the need for reward, and make the most of this short life.

They still have to make the last step into realising that religion is a human manufactured evil that is responsible for much madness, murder, torture and pointless ritual – but hey – it’s a start!

Atman

Atman is the Hindu view of self or the essence of self which is interpreted as the soul. In Hinduism there is a journey towards the realisation that the true self, the Atman, is the same as the infinite truth outside all knowing, Brahman.

Ha, all these ideas have a nice ring to them. We love to believe them. It is a shame they are nothing more than meaningless musings.

I have a self but I don’t have a soul. My self is a construct of my consciousness which is a result of chemical reactions and neurones. I know – it is almost miraculous! We should all worship evolution! It is simply incredible!

There are probably a whole bunch of believers in the Abrahamic tradition who would love me to have a soul because they adore the idea of this gleeful, evil fairy that torments you for eternity for the sin of not believing in him!

I love to torment them with the taunt that I am not going to be tortured forever by this god of love because I do not have a soul. I like the idea of them being tortured forever up there in heaven having to spend eternity adoring and worshipping the deity. I’ll settle for oblivion any day. I know where I’m at, man.

Atonement

Seemingly we are all wicked. This has nothing to do with what we do. It is all because of Eve. She got us to eat that apple. Now we’ve been kicked out of Eden and are full of original sin. We’re all evil and doomed – unless we believe, confess and atone.

What a pile of tosh. If someone is evil it is because of what they do not due to some fairy tale.

Anyway, all is not lost. Seemingly we can make good with the all-knowing non-existent fairy. We can atone for our sins and make everything right so that god loves us again. We can be at one again.

In judaism they devote a whole day to atonement. You certainly can’t repent at leisure if you’re a jew. On Yom Kippur you repent, make a sacrifice, confess and make retribution.

That all sounds psychologically very good for your mental health. It’s a bit like going to Catholic confession.

I like atonement though. We can use that in restorative practice. It has a very sound psychological basis. That is precisely why religion latched on to it. It makes you feel good to confess, atone and have a new start. If only it was true.

Aaah! – The myriad of ploys that are devised by religion to hook the unwary?

Auguries

The Augur was a priest who studied birds. I had a friend who studied birds but his were a different kind.

Seemingly birds carried messages from the gods because they flew up into the heavens. You picked the messages up from the way they sang, flew and what types they were. Of course you had to be a highly skilled priest to interpret these messages and because of your great skill you were worthy of great rewards and hence lived in luxury and were extremely important.

I’m watching the birds on my bird feeder and listening to them sitting around in the trees and on the roof singing. Birdsong is aggressive territorial behaviour. As far as I can tell, and I do not claim to have been trained as an augur, the gods are telling me to fuck off.

The auspices are not good

I’m not sure I’d want to determine whether we go to war or not based on the singing of the starlings in my garden. They’re a bit raucous. But then I understand Hitler did similar stuff when deciding to invade Russia and Britain and look what a mess he made of it.

I’m glad we’ve got computers now. We can at least model things.

Now that we know there is no heaven and no gods in the sky does that mean that the gullible no longer believe in augury? No – I suppose not!

Auras

Supposedly we all have an invisible multicoloured aura like a magnetic field around us. We see it with our third eye. You can tell the physical and mental state of a person from the colour and size of their aura. They have proved very good for holistic healers to diagnose problems. They’ve made a lot of money out of auras.

The only trouble is that no scientific tests have ever revealed auras and when healers were subjected to tests they were unable to produce results.

Auras conveniently only exist in the eye of some beholders. I think a good poke in the third eye might help!

Baal

Baal was another of those ancient discarded gods from Asia Minor. Once worshipped by millions, now in the trash-bin of time.

It’s a shame about all those dedicated followers of Baal. They chose the wrong fashion (though there wasn’t a lot of option back then – Yahweh hadn’t been invented yet!). They believed in the wrong god. No matter if they martyred themselves with good intent, they got it wrong. According to the current religious mob this means that they are probably burning away nicely in the pits right now and will be doing for some considerable time to come – ahem forever.

They now have the odd demon shoving in a trident to turn them over – ‘This side’s done’.

Their only hope is that the evangelists really get their act together. If they manage to turn on the whole planet to Jesus, and thus save everyone living here from those pits, they could turn their attention to the rest of the galaxy and save all those aliens from the fiery torture too. Wouldn’t that be wonderful?  Then they could harness technology to invade hell and rescue the baalists, islamists, hindus, zeusarians, zoroastrians, confucians, atheists, antitheists, and all the countless other believers or non-believers who got it wrong simply by getting them to believe in Christ and accept the lord. Or perhaps the zoroastrians will make a come-back and save all the christians – just as plausible.

I’ll convert. I’m not too dogmatic. A few hours in the pits and I’ll believe Jesus can save me, if that’s what it takes. I’m a coward.

I’ll come quietly.

Anyway, baal went the way of all the others, just like the christians, hindus, jews, islamists and buddhists will in years to come. They’ll be replaced by a shiny new set of fabrications.

You never know I might start a new religion. There could be great statues of me in temples all over the universe.

Goodbye baal, hello Opher. Opherism. No matter how benevolent and tolerant I made it, I know that even Opherism, further down the line, would be transformed into a power structure, misconstrued, misquoted, and used to promote division, stoke up hate and create war. You can’t win.

Baptism

Baptism is a rite of entry into the religion. You either were submerged in a river or had water poured on your head – cleansed with holy water. Reborn from a watery fluid.

It’s very nice on hot days and it was a trifle muggy in the Middle East. You can see why it caught on.

Beelzebub

What a nice name for a boy child though not too popular these days. I might get a dog and call him Beelzebub.

Beelzebub was actually an old Sumerian god who went out of fashion. christians hated all pagan gods – anything that wasn’t christian was pagan – and resurrected the name to apply to the devil. Perhaps that was just a bit of an in joke that we don’t get any longer? Making foreign gods into devils is a bit insulting. You’d have to be careful doing that these days. You’d end up with a crusade or Jihad on your hands.

Beheadings

This is a nice cheap scary way to make your point and one favoured by a lot of religions. In England they used to stick the heads on city walls as a warning to others. We’ve become a bit more civilised than that now. Others haven’t.

It is now a favourite of the Islamic extremists. They like putting it out on Youtube. It scares the shit out of the infidels. The infidels get so terrified they have to keep sending drones over to blow the hell out of the beheaders.

It has always been thus (though in bygone days they didn’t have drones). We have to be grateful that the evangelists do not yet have nuclear weapons.

Those of a religious persuasion have rarely used their head in a civilised manner.

Belief

An irrational bit of wishful thinking stemming from childhood and cultural indoctrination and tied to an inability to accept that there is no ultimate purpose to life and that the evolution of life and creation of the universe was an accident.

People fall back on the idea that somehow belief does not have to be rational. They are told by their particular brand of tyranny that belief is beyond understanding.

This is a ploy.

People love belief because is makes them feel good. They find it extremely comforting to believe a whole raft of utter stupidity:

• There is a god who personally cares for them
• There is a purpose to their life
• There is an after-life that they go on to
• Their existence is not a futile accident
• They might not understand it but there is a plan
• If they do all the right rituals, say the right prayers, and follow the strict codes of behaviour they will be saved.
• All people who believe a different set of stupidities are doomed to an ever-lasting Hell – only the set of rules they happen to have been born into is correct
• God loves them even if he is a sadist with a quick temper and intolerance towards anyone who gets it wrong
• The plan is beyond their understanding
• People who do not agree with them are obviously wrong and should be eradicated

The fact that there is not one shred of evidence for any of this misplaced trust is of no consequence to an indoctrinated believer. They always counter with a well-trod series of arguments:

• Scientists do not have all the answers
• One only has to look at the complexity of life to realise that it has been intelligently created and designed
• One only has to look at the complex physical laws of the universe to realise that it could not have come about by chance, it has been created by a god
• Infinity exists therefore time, space and god are ever-lasting and beyond the understanding of man

Of course this is merely unintelligent foolishness.

Human beings are extremely limited. Far from being built in god’s image we are a poorly constructed product of evolution. Our bodies are far from perfect. Our intelligence is extremely limited. The universe is infinite and probably beyond our understanding. It is quite probably that we will never understand it. The fact that we have understood as much as we have is a miracle.

As a biologist one only has to look at the human body to see its history of evolution. Far from being a miraculous product of god’s creation, in god’s image, it is an extremely flawed mish-mash that is the result of its journey through billions of years of arbitrary selection. If there was a god who was so flawed it would be laughable. If some all Supreme Being deliberately made human beings then he either has a great sense of humour, is inept or wilfully vicious. I could point out a whole series of poor design features that illustrate my point:

• Why would we end up with a lack of separation of the oesophagus and trachea so that we are in danger of choking when we eat? Why only one trachea so that it can be easily blocked and we are suffocated? Good design or simply because the lungs evolved out of fish air-sacs attached to the gut?
• Why have the brain out on a limb exposed in our head instead of protected within the body? A brain on top of such an imperfect neck so delicate that it can be easily snapped – good design or the imperfect result of evolutionary cephalisation?
• Why have the reproductive tract closely intertwined with the excretory and egestory systems? (As somebody noted it is like having an open sewer running through the playground). The fact that the urethra and rectum are closely associated with the vagina, clitoris and penis is either the result of a perverse supreme being or the result of them having evolved from the common cloacae of fish. I know what I believe!
• I could go on and on………… If the human body was designed then it’s pretty shoddy. I could do a far better job.

Believers have an inability to take responsibility for their own lives. They are weak people who require a prop to psychologically hold things together. They are unable to grasp the concept that we are nothing much more than bacterial scum on the surface of a small, insignificant planet in a minor planetary system in an inconsequential galaxy made up of trillions of stars (more numerous than grains of sand on all the beaches in the world) but being one of countless, often more magnificent and beautiful galaxies, that also number countless trillions. Yet they believe that some fictitious super-being somehow exists forever, has a purpose and for some obscure reason has chosen this backwater of biological scum to be the entire centre of his (it’s usually a him) plan. They somehow manage to reconcile this view of god as being acceptable.

The universe and life are obviously things to view with complete awe but even a cursory look at the concept of god shows its inept human conception. A supreme being, who lives for ever, is unknowable and has some unfathomable plan that puts human beings at the centre of all his work – absurd! Nothing but the result of a huge, out of control, totally over-inflated ego! Mankind loves to bloat its own importance.

I’m a believer. I know what I believe. I believe I don’t understand lots of things. I believe that I can never understand the complexities of an infinite universe with my tiny brain and limited intelligence. I believe that it is at least a possibility that some of our esteemed religious characters such as Billy Graham, Jimmy Swaggart, Guru Maharaji, Mahareshi and the Borgias are no more than opportunistic charlatans who have made a great living out of peddling religious crap to the gullible.

I believe that god and religion are both human fabrications. I believe religion has stultified progress (one only has to look at the effect of the christian church on European progress – it was not until after we got rid of religion from our political systems that science and technology was able to flourish. One only has to look at the Middle East, once the seat of civilisation, inventor of writing, maths and agriculture, frozen in a mediaeval poverty by islam).

I believe religion is evil.

I am a true believer.

Bethlehem

Supposedly this was where both David and Jesus were born.

The town has hence had the attention of jews, christians and muslims. They have fought over the town for hundreds of years and it is still the centre of great animosity and violence. It was alternately sacked by Crusaders and Muslims such as Saladin.

The British left the palestinians and jews to fight it out after the Second World War and the results are still resounding round the whole region to this day.

Religion has a lot to answer for. Bethlehem has become a symbol of violence and division.

This book consists of definitions of religious words interpreted by a cynical antitheist. It is hilarious, highly offensive, subversive, sacrilegious and controversial. If you are religious and easily offended then I suggest you steer well clear.

Amish

The Amish typify the claustrophobic stultification that religion brings. We all get fed up with 20^th century culture. There is a lot of it that is not too pleasant. We could all make a long list. That does not mean that we have to freeze our culture in a time-warp in the way religion tries to do. It has had a disastrous effect on islam (they’re still stuck in a time warp pretending it’s still the 7^th Century – apart from Kalashnikovs and TNT) and the Amish are only able to live the way they do because of the resources they have.

The Amish culture is a strict branch of christian thought. For some reason they think the pixie wants them to reject all modern technology and dress as they did a few hundred years ago. They can still use horses and carts but not anything from later technology.

There is something very attractive about living simply off the land. There is something extremely worrying about people creating a set of rules that keep people locked up in a prison of dogma. One wonders where the Amish fit.

Overpopulation is the greatest danger to the world. If everyone tried to live like the Amish nature would be utterly destroyed and we would still not be able to feed a fraction of the present 7 billion. We rely on modern day farming and transport to feed the world.

There again perhaps it would be a lot better if there were a few billion less of us.

Amulet

An amulet is an object that protects the wearer from harm because of its magic protective powers. It’s a bit like the things a lot of Marvel comic heroes have – the opposite of Kryptonite! I’ve got my Mojo working but it just don’t work on you.

My fireguards are all made of chocolate and they work brilliantly.

Ancestor worship

The worship of ancestors is found throughout the world. Many cultures believe that their ancestors live after death and require things, like food, for their continuing life.

Many Iron Age communities buried their warriors with weapons, food and a variety of implements.

In Egypt they mummified important people and provided them with all sorts of wealth and utensils that might help them in their after-life.

Some cultures believed that their ancestors could intercede with god on their behalf.

All round the world ancestors are venerated and even worshipped. Many believe that if they are not worshipped and placated they will come back as ghosts and haunt you. This is very prevalent in China and Vietnam. In the Buddhist countries they burn paper money and paper utensils and possessions in special incinerators in temples. Supposedly the smoke goes up to heaven to the ancestors and provides them with the things that will make them comfortable in the after-life. There are shops stocked with paper merchandise you can buy to burn for your dead relatives. You can even get paper cars, motorbikes and TV sets.

I know – but they believe it!

I would like a paper Halle Berry – you never know.

The Terracotta Army was an attempt by the Chinese Emperor to invade heaven and take it by force! Just imagine! We die and find ourselves in heaven only to discover it’s being run by the Ming Dynasty.

Despite all this, and much as I would like to be venerated and worshipped after my death, there is no basis to any of this. We die. There are extremely sad losses. Once you die you cease to exist. All that remains is a lifeless corpse and the memories and impact of your actions that resound through the world like the ripples in a pond. We live on in the memories.

It’s quite a weird macabre idea to think of your ancestors as some parasitic zombies who are roaming about in the gloom and in need of placating.

The human imagination is both wondrous and extremely dark and bizarre.

Hopefully you’re beginning to notice that there’s a lot of strange stuff that we humans believe is real. The only stuff that isn’t strange is the stuff we personally happen to believe!

Anoint

There are a number of things nearly all religions like doing: dressing up; waving stuff around; creating smells, chanting; sermonising; writing books; and generally laying down the dogma (then there’s the jihads, crusades and pillaging). One of their favourites is pouring liquids over people’s heads. They love it.

They use oil, water, perfume, even butter!

It’s all part of the rich pageantry and ritual of religion. The more elaborate the performance, buildings and anointing, the more people believe it must be true.

I suppose anointing, an all the elaborate ceremonies, make life interesting as long as they don’t heat up the butter too much!

Antitheist

An antitheist is a supremely intelligent person; someone who not only has realised that the whole mythology of god is nothing but a fairy-tale but also that the story of religion is really nothing but the story of power.

They have realised that controlling sociopaths have either used politics or religion as a means of controlling people and usually both. The result is often tyranny. The outcome of this tyranny is invariably a whole set of intricate dress codes, religious paraphernalia, rituals and laws that needlessly restrict people’s freedoms and pleasures. At worst it promotes sectarian hatred, torture, genocide and war. People often end up persecuted, tortured or killed for their own personal beliefs, religious paraphernalia or mode of worship. The religious do not like the idea of personal freedom or the right to speak out. That’s why I have to do it.

An antitheist is consequently opposed to all organised religion and sees religion as a form of insanity.

To be an antitheist you have to be a very strong character. You have to take responsibility for your own morality and make your own purpose for life. That’s quite an undertaking. It’s not all fun and games. But it does mean that you can enjoy poking fun at all the absurd dress codes, rituals and diets people have imposed on themselves.

Aphrodite

At least she’s female for a change.

It used to be that most of our gods were female (like Mother Nature) but misogynist Abrahamic Arab culture put a stop to that nonsense. Men rule – right?

Now this Aphrodite myth sounds quite possible – really. Not made up at all. I particularly like the sound of her birth. It seems quite plausible to me. It appears that Zeus, her father (though I can’t see why he’s called her father – you can’t have two fathers can you? Well I suppose with Gods and religion you can do what the hell you want) is involved. Cronos cut off Uranus’s genitals and threw them in the sea. Aphrodite then rose from the foam. (I gather Uranus was not too enamoured at the idea of becoming a father. He wasn’t cut out for it). So Aphrodite was created out of the fertilisation of Uranus’s sperm from his severed testicles and the sea, or was it the goddess of the sea’s egg? So why is Zeus her father? All a bit confusing really. But then it is religion. Mere mortals are not meant to understand. That’s why we invent priests.

You know millions of people actually believed all this garbage. They believed the gods really did live just like human beings in a big palace in the sky and when you died you went to Elysium on the edge of the world – the Greeks thought that the world was flat!

Aphrodite basically evolved out of previous mother figure goddesses that are lost in the mists of past belief before her and hence she was the goddess of beauty, love and fecundity.

It was a good thing to be. She seemed to spend a lot of her time fucking around and getting involved with guys like Adonis. If you’re going to be a Goddess Aphrodite is a good one to pick. She has a good time!

Angels

I’m no angel. I’ve been told that by a number of people. Angels live in heaven which as everyone knows is up in the sky. They play lutes, sit on clouds and join together in big angelic choirs to sing to the fictitious fairy every Thursday, forever and a day!

Because heaven is in the sky, just out of reach of the main airline routes, they have to have wings. Even though it is very cold and airless up there they are naked and apparently have no trouble breathing. They are really well behaved – quite angelic. They carry messages around for this supernatural pixie as he hasn’t yet got round to figuring out his internet.

They are humanoid celestial beings who are benevolent. They can be invisible and sit on your shoulder whispering advice in your ear and saving you from danger. Quite handy really. I wish they spoken a bit louder at times, though.

They originate from Zoroastrian times and probably before that.

Angels take many forms in various cultures. Some of them are fish but I think that’s a different type of thing. Don’t know as I’d want a fish sitting on my shoulder whispering in my ear. I wonder if that’s where Douglas Adams got the idea from? Anyway, the concept of little naked babies sitting on peoples’ shoulders looking out for us seems perfectly reasonable to me! You couldn’t make it up, could you?

Apocalypse

This doesn’t sound too good and probably isn’t. It’s the end of days, the end of the world, the final battle when good triumphs over evil.

It’s a bit of a let-down really. Not something to look forward to – like Christmas or a holiday. An apocalypse has a slightly negative connotation.

I always think that if you know the outcome it kind of spoils the match or film. If you know life’s going to end in an apocalypse it puts a bit of a downer on things.

Despite that, the apocalypse is another favourite of film makers. They get off on the visuals – explosions, tsunamis, falling rocks, screaming people. The end of the world.

I’m not quite sure what is meant to happen to the rest of the universe. Perhaps that gets destroyed as well?

Unfortunately, back in those days, when they thought up the apocalypse, they didn’t know about the rest of the universe. They thought this planet was it. Not even that really. They didn’t know most of the world existed. What they did know was flat with a big dome over it. The sun and moon travelled across the dome and the stars were little chinks in the dome through which the light of heaven shone through. Religious bodies had to modify the story as more and more was found out. I mean, they couldn’t simply burn everyone who possessed a telescope, could they? When they burnt Giordano Bruno for saying the earth wasn’t the centre and that the stars were really suns it caused a bit of a stir – and Galileo only just escaped the same fate. Not knowing about the zillions of stars and galaxies making up the cosmos kind of limited their scope. They could have gone for whole galaxies colliding with each other. Very cinematic.

Nowadays four horsemen of the apocalypse riding off spreading war, pestilence, famine and death might have a bit of a job. It’d take a bit of time riding around the whole world. But horses were the most advanced form of transport back then. As this came from the revelations of the great pixie one would imagine he might have given everyone a premonition of a variety of futuristic technological developments, some great starship unfathomable to primeval minds – but no – four ragged horsemen was the extent of what those people could conceive. Four ragged horsemen it is.

The world, as we now know, is a bit bigger than the confines of the Holy Land. Space might require a star-cruiser or two.

Once again the imaginations of our distant forebears were severely hampered by a lack of understanding. Technology has changed the world beyond recognition.

Just think how impressive it would have been if the four horsemen were roaring around on strange mechanical beasts called Harleys. I’d be much more impressed.

Surely any super-being worth his salt would have an idea of what he was organising for the future. He could have equipped them with laser blades and genetically modified viruses. Horses don’t cut it with me.

So there will be no apocalypse as described by our unimaginative forebears. We’ll have to wait for the sun to explode and melt us – that’s much more likely.

Apollo

 Apollo was the Bastard son of Zeus, father of all gods (at least that’s most people believed back then – but then things come in and out of fashion, don’t they?).

Apollo was worshipped because he presided over the flocks and herds and the muses. So he was connected with feasting and music and poetry. Sounds good!

You don’t suppose this somehow represents the sort of culture that resided in Greece at that time do you?

You don’t suppose all these pixies we have created have come out of human imagination do you?

Don’t you find it a bit strange that they always have the accoutrements of their particular age? You never see a Greek God flitting about on a Harley Davison or living in a palace made of plastic? Even their clothes are always in keeping with the current trend. – Yahweh in gowns, Apollo in tunics. Why not a jumpsuit? No, this guy lived up a mountain, herded sheep and played the flute. I’d have been more impressed if it had been the saxophone.

Aristotle

Aristotle was a Greek philosopher who lived around 400 years BC. He was a bit of a polymath and influenced the philosophy of judaism, christianity and islam as well as shaping early science prior to Newton. Aristotle championed reasoning and logic.

It’s a wonder that he had anything to do with influencing religions. They are as far from reason and logic as you can get.

Ark

Seemingly there was this great flood. Flood mythology is pretty common in a lot of cultures, along with volcano wrath and famine and drought. The flood was probably a real event. There is some geological even where the sea broke through and created an inland ocean out of an area of low lying land. That may have happened.

What did not happen was:

1. It was the whole planet
2. It was caused by rain for forty days and nights (I live in England – we’re used to that much rain)
3. The Pixie done it

Noah had been given prior warning from the Pixie and gathered all species on the planet in two by two.

If we put aside all the farcical elements of this for one moment, like how long it would have taken Noah to get out to Australia to grab a roo or two, a couple of huntsmen spiders, the odd guano, and then head off to the Antarctic for a couple of penguins.  Then look at the accommodation and feeding. I mean Koalas are pretty picky about their eucalyptus and hippos get through a lot of veg. What did he feed the lions on? Did Noah take a lot more than two of some species so he could chuck the odd one to a hungry tiger? Or did the mysterious fairy stop everyone getting hungry and thirsty? But then if he was going to do that why didn’t he just wipe out all the naughty ones and not bother with the whole flood business? Then there’s the question of limited genetic variation. Breeding from just two animals creates a lot of incest down the line with all the inherent genetic weaknesses that throws up. But religion glosses over all this stuff. Incest is not something religion likes to think about. That suggests sex and sex is a taboo (at least in the Abrahamic Arab tradition – which is why I veer towards the Dionysian. Much more fun.)

That boat would have to be pretty big, once you start packing it with rhinos and elephants you soon run out of room. There’s a lot of buffalo, deer, elk and wildebeest to accommodate. Then when they finally hit land after the floods have receded it doesn’t leave you with much of a genetic gene pool to work with. The deleterious recessive genes would soon start to manifest themselves. Starting from one pair of anything is not going to work. Starting from one pair of everything is totally not possible. I mean, what if just one of them was gay? Is that why the dinosaurs all died out? Too many of them were gay? Surely not? What happens when the carnivores get hungry and eat one of the deer?

Perhaps he just forgot the dinosaurs? Who knows? I kind of wish he had left the spiders behind. They’re creepy.

Now I like fairy tales as well as the next man. This is a fun fairy tale. It is of course complete bullshit.

Even so, despite all the obvious stupidity, there are hundreds of thousands of educated Americans who believe this actually took place. They’ve had expeditions to ‘The Holy Land’ to look for boats up the top of mountains. One group even claims to have found the Ark. Makes you wonder how a boat big enough to fit in all those millions of species could have been overlooked for so long, balanced on top of a mountain peak..

Their answer to all of the total impracticalities is that the pixie organised it and made it possible. So why the hell did he need Noah? Why didn’t he leave a few plateaus sticking up for the wildlife and erect a force-field that keeps humans out?  Seems a lot of silliness for no reason. But then we are dealing with the limited imaginations of a rather illiterate group of people from long ago and nobody had invented Sci-fi or force-fields yet. You can’t expect too much.

That is not just farcical; it’s beyond that. The fact that so many people actually believe it – now that is worrying.

I don’t even want to go into the reasoning behind the flood in the first place. But I will. Seemingly a lot of people had taken to drinking alcohol, fucking and wanking. Some, horror of horrors were having homosexual sex. They were enjoying themselves far too much. They needed sorting out. Drowning was too good for them! But then, I suppose, after they had been summarily drowned they were then burnt for eternity. That’ll teach them to stop having fun! One wonders whether the great pixie with all his wisdom and power couldn’t just have selected all the pissheads, fuckers, homos and wankers and sorted them out (not that I am an advocate of that. As far as I’m concerned they can fornicate, wank and enjoy the odd bevy as much as they like. I’m not a killjoy). Mind you, even if you think all those errant adults deserve all they get, to flood the whole world seems a triffle harsh on the little kids and babies who weren’t fucking, wanking and drinking. It was a bit unfair on the babies. No reprieve. They were washed away with the others.

What a bastard.

Armageddon

As if vthe Apocalypse wasn’t bad enough. We have this to look forward to.

Seemingly the great pixie is not quite all powerful. At some point in time he has to come back and there’s one almighty battle where he pits his armies of cherubs and angels against the massed ranks of demons, antichrist and the Devil.

That would make quite a spectacle. No wonder it’s popular with film makers.

I can see all those little cherubs sticking demons with little spears (not a nuclear warhead in sight). The absurdity is extremely amusing. The films should all be comedies.

I get a picture in my head of little pink cherubs attacking scaly Orcs with cocktail sticks. I know who I think might win.

Despite the huge canvas of the untold reaches of outer space with its trillions of galaxies this final conflict takes place on a tiny planet called Earth. The outcome is final for all eternity.

Ho hum.

The whole concept sucks. I think it clearly demonstrates the limited thinking of the day. They did not know about galaxies and stuff back then. The Earth was the whole universe. God put on the show just for humanity.

I think we’ve moved on.