WARNING
I have written this for antitheists and atheists to have a laugh at the absurdity of religion.
This is a Dictionary of Religious words explained by an antitheist. If you are easily offended by someone called your deeply held convictions rubbish or have no sense of humour then I would urge you to read no further!
I believe all religions are not only misguided but extremely dangerous.
If you are religious then I sympathise but can assure you that I will attempt to tell you in no uncertain terms why you are wrong and how absurd and vicious your religion is.
If you are open-minded and tolerant enough, or are an atheist or antitheist like myself, then have fun with me baiting the phoniness of religion.
This is the practice of free speech in a free civilised country. I have the right as a free man to say what I like about your religion. That right has been fought for and paid for in blood.
I am not trying to stir up hatred or promote conflict.
May love and peace be with you all, always!
Opher 6.8.2014
Abbot
An abbot is a father who isn’t a father. He’s the head of a monastery in charge of a bunch of celibate monks – so there’s little chance of him actually becoming a father at all.
Abbots spend their days organising silences, talking with fictitious supernatural beings, sitting around and getting into bad habits.
Despite tales of debauchery with nuns they are not supposed to think about sex or their todgers at all, let alone touch their genitals. Indeed, they have to go to bed wearing boxing gloves.
The Abbot may also organise the brewing of lethal beers and wines. These are in no way to be used for pleasure or intoxication. Mind you, I’m not really quite sure why they do brew the stuff if they are not allowed to enjoy it.
Abbey
An abbey is the buildings where the monks or nuns live. They are very draughty (not just because of the ale) but that might be because Henry the Eighth had the idea of nicking all their immense wealth they’d accrued from all the poor folk and knocking the walls down. Not a bad idea really. Those ruins look quite nice and still attract in a lot of tourism.
Henry was obviously very forward thinking.
Abraham
The great Patriarch of the whole Abrahamic religions: judaism, christianity and islam. So the guy’s got a lot to answer for. Without him we might have made a hell of a lot of progress and all be a lot less hung up and much more cheerful. We’d also have a lot less misogyny and better sex lives.
Abraham championed the monotheistic tradition (if you don’t count the christian god as three). This was unusual for the times. There was a lot of pantheism and multiple gods about at the time.
I don’t know which is better.
Abraham was described as having lived to 175 years of age and was another of those people (all men) to whom the super pixie spoke in a vision. Seemingly he was given his new name and told all about the future troubles that were coming.
Abraham had loads of kids, and we know how trying kids can be at times, but that does not justify him dragging Isaac up a mountain and scaring the wits out of him as he built an altar and prepared to slaughter Isaac with his great sharp knife. Fortunately the fairy was only kidding and testing Abraham out and at the last moment, as the knife was poised over his terrified, trussed up son, the superpixie told him it was all a joke. Luckily for Abraham they did not have Social Services back then and, as there were no schools, Isaac had nobody to confide in.
There are other things that seem a bit odd: Abraham, like many of the great patriarchs, lived to a ripe old age. Sarah, his wife, supposedly had kids when she was close to a hundred.
How many of these secret visions are we supposed to take on trust? If the pixie has something to say to us why doesn’t he just come out and say it? Why sneak about in caves, mountain tops and wildernesses speaking to these old guys in private? Why all the burning bushes and tablets of stone?
Don’t you think it’s a little strange that the fairy was sorting all this out back then but doesn’t do it now? Why doesn’t the pixie appear in the superbowl or Man United cup final to make an announcement?
Oh well. So Abraham, an unschooled, nomadic Arab, set the whole thing in motion.
Antitheist’s Dictionary: Amazon.co.uk: Goodwin, Opher: 9781500821142: Books