Dialogue between Boris Johnson and Dan Rosenfield

‘Now then PM,’ Dan grinned, ‘time to take stock.’

‘Arf Arf, right you are, err err.’

‘Hancock’s releasing the white paper on the reorganization of the NHS. We have to make sure we put a positive spin on it and keep the attention off covid and Brexit.’

‘Fish-hooks, gazooks. err arff, you’re not wrong there Dan. Bally disaster, err.’

‘Quite.’ Dan shrugged. ‘It’s OK, nobody seems to have noticed.’

‘Bally lorries parked up, eerrr, arf, parked up all over. Firms going arf err bust, people winging yaah.’

‘Yes, yes,’ Dan nodded with a smirk. ‘But they’re not blaming it on you, are they? They think it’s covid and the EU causing the problems, don’t they? We’re still two points up in the polls! Just keep telling them it’s teething problems. It’ll settle. A bumpy take-off.’

‘Easy for you to say Dan arf arf. Those blighters want my balls!’

‘Yes, well,’ Dan handed the sheet of paper across the table. It was all simplified into ten bullet points. That was the maximum Boris could be relied on to read and probably more than he could take in. ‘A bit of a deflection from reality.’ He chuckled.

‘Err arf yaa, I don’t know Dan,’ Boris looked aghast. ‘with err 115,000 deaths arf. It’s er, er, getting damn hard to deflect. Bally worst in the world! Jolly hard to arf arf deflect that!’

‘I keep telling you,’ Dan replied with a frown and exasperated shrug, ’13 million vaccinated and the curves coming right down. It’s all looking rosy. You can’t compare countries. They use different stats. They lie. Nobody saw this coming. Nobody could do it better. We’re straining every sinew. Just keep repeating it. It’s going in. I hear people saying it. Two points up in the polls!’

‘Gosh, by Jove, err, err, you cheer me err up Dan, arf. What would I do, err err, with err out you?’

Dan said nothing.

‘Are you, are you err sure, that this um um change is right in the err midst of a err err bally pandemic?’

Dan raised his eyes and sighed. ‘We’ve been over this Boris. We need to take their minds off the Brexit chaos and the covid mess. Be positive. We are seizing the opportunity to make the NHS a lot better. Now,’ he waved the white sheet of paper, ‘Hancock’s coming out with the details. As much as he needs to tell the bastards,’ he muttered under his breath.

‘Bu,but, but, arf arf, isn’t this just undoing all the er, bloody things we brought in ten, err arf, years ago?’

‘ Boris,’ Dan said with a shake of his head. ‘That’s ten years ago. That’s a different world. Cameron and Langley were nincompoops. Nobody remembers that far back. They won’t associate it with a Tory government. We’re safe. We’re fixing glaring errors.’

‘But err err hell Dan. Those reorganisations cost billions and aaahh ah caused chaos. Won’t um um these ones err ummm cost us a bally fortune?’

Dan threw up his hands and looked shocked. ‘Whatever you do don’t say that! We are streamlining, we are connecting, we are joining up.’ He looked imploringly at Boris. ‘Look at the sheet man. We’re linking care and health into a single organisation. We’re making them accountable to government.’ He tapped the paper with his finger. ‘Read it man. We’re cutting red tape. It all makes sense. It’ll save money.’

‘Yes by jove, yes,’ Boris said eagerly, scanning the sheet without taking a word in. ‘But, err, err, what ummm what if the blighters daa umm start umm asking about err the 110,000 vacancies arf arf and the errm nurses and er doctors that err we’ve ummm driven out err with Brexit??’

Dan looked weary. ‘We’re putting more money in. We’re supporting our loyal nurses and doctors. They’re doing a gallant job. Salt of the earth. We’re training up proper British doctors. We’re doing all we can. National emergency.’

‘But ummm, everyone knows errr umm, we’ve cut the NHS to the bone and all the bally nurses are using food banks.’

Dan shook his head. ‘No, they don’t know that at all.’

‘And Brexit is erm erm like a huge err brain drain.’

‘No,’ Dan said firmly. ‘We all support our nurses and doctors. That’s why we’re doing this. We’re making their jobs easier and cutting red tape.’

‘But Brexit has caused, errr erm bloody mountains of red tape!’

‘We don’t say that do we? Massive opportunities. Strength to strength. Bright future!! DO NOT MENTION RED TAPE, LORRY QUEUES, JOB LOSSES OR FIRMS MOVING ABROAD!’ He looked exasperated and was actually thumping the table.

Boris looked chastened. ‘Couldn’t err, we err just arf arf, give them a pay rise?’ He asked pathetically.

‘Don’t be daft,’ Dan said angrily. ‘They’re not any of ours.’