Dialogue between Boris Johnson and Dan Rosenfield

‘Now then PM,’ Dan grinned, ‘time to take stock.’

‘Arf Arf, right you are, err err.’

‘Hancock’s releasing the white paper on the reorganization of the NHS. We have to make sure we put a positive spin on it and keep the attention off covid and Brexit.’

‘Fish-hooks, gazooks. err arff, you’re not wrong there Dan. Bally disaster, err.’

‘Quite.’ Dan shrugged. ‘It’s OK, nobody seems to have noticed.’

‘Bally lorries parked up, eerrr, arf, parked up all over. Firms going arf err bust, people winging yaah.’

‘Yes, yes,’ Dan nodded with a smirk. ‘But they’re not blaming it on you, are they? They think it’s covid and the EU causing the problems, don’t they? We’re still two points up in the polls! Just keep telling them it’s teething problems. It’ll settle. A bumpy take-off.’

‘Easy for you to say Dan arf arf. Those blighters want my balls!’

‘Yes, well,’ Dan handed the sheet of paper across the table. It was all simplified into ten bullet points. That was the maximum Boris could be relied on to read and probably more than he could take in. ‘A bit of a deflection from reality.’ He chuckled.

‘Err arf yaa, I don’t know Dan,’ Boris looked aghast. ‘with err 115,000 deaths arf. It’s er, er, getting damn hard to deflect. Bally worst in the world! Jolly hard to arf arf deflect that!’

‘I keep telling you,’ Dan replied with a frown and exasperated shrug, ’13 million vaccinated and the curves coming right down. It’s all looking rosy. You can’t compare countries. They use different stats. They lie. Nobody saw this coming. Nobody could do it better. We’re straining every sinew. Just keep repeating it. It’s going in. I hear people saying it. Two points up in the polls!’

‘Gosh, by Jove, err, err, you cheer me err up Dan, arf. What would I do, err err, with err out you?’

Dan said nothing.

‘Are you, are you err sure, that this um um change is right in the err midst of a err err bally pandemic?’

Dan raised his eyes and sighed. ‘We’ve been over this Boris. We need to take their minds off the Brexit chaos and the covid mess. Be positive. We are seizing the opportunity to make the NHS a lot better. Now,’ he waved the white sheet of paper, ‘Hancock’s coming out with the details. As much as he needs to tell the bastards,’ he muttered under his breath.

‘Bu,but, but, arf arf, isn’t this just undoing all the er, bloody things we brought in ten, err arf, years ago?’

‘ Boris,’ Dan said with a shake of his head. ‘That’s ten years ago. That’s a different world. Cameron and Langley were nincompoops. Nobody remembers that far back. They won’t associate it with a Tory government. We’re safe. We’re fixing glaring errors.’

‘But err err hell Dan. Those reorganisations cost billions and aaahh ah caused chaos. Won’t um um these ones err ummm cost us a bally fortune?’

Dan threw up his hands and looked shocked. ‘Whatever you do don’t say that! We are streamlining, we are connecting, we are joining up.’ He looked imploringly at Boris. ‘Look at the sheet man. We’re linking care and health into a single organisation. We’re making them accountable to government.’ He tapped the paper with his finger. ‘Read it man. We’re cutting red tape. It all makes sense. It’ll save money.’

‘Yes by jove, yes,’ Boris said eagerly, scanning the sheet without taking a word in. ‘But, err, err, what ummm what if the blighters daa umm start umm asking about err the 110,000 vacancies arf arf and the errm nurses and er doctors that err we’ve ummm driven out err with Brexit??’

Dan looked weary. ‘We’re putting more money in. We’re supporting our loyal nurses and doctors. They’re doing a gallant job. Salt of the earth. We’re training up proper British doctors. We’re doing all we can. National emergency.’

‘But ummm, everyone knows errr umm, we’ve cut the NHS to the bone and all the bally nurses are using food banks.’

Dan shook his head. ‘No, they don’t know that at all.’

‘And Brexit is erm erm like a huge err brain drain.’

‘No,’ Dan said firmly. ‘We all support our nurses and doctors. That’s why we’re doing this. We’re making their jobs easier and cutting red tape.’

‘But Brexit has caused, errr erm bloody mountains of red tape!’

‘We don’t say that do we? Massive opportunities. Strength to strength. Bright future!! DO NOT MENTION RED TAPE, LORRY QUEUES, JOB LOSSES OR FIRMS MOVING ABROAD!’ He looked exasperated and was actually thumping the table.

Boris looked chastened. ‘Couldn’t err, we err just arf arf, give them a pay rise?’ He asked pathetically.

‘Don’t be daft,’ Dan said angrily. ‘They’re not any of ours.’

Hapless Boris Johnson Cartoon!

Thanks John Peachey.

As the bodies pile up (very soon a 100,000) and the floods drive people out of their homes our clown of a PM celebrates the fact that his dire Brexit hasn’t driven everyone away. Nissan is still here! We’ll soon see how many other firms have been bowled over by Brexit.

What a sorry story of incompetence. Not exactly a world-beating performance (unless you’re counting bodies or looking for the worst hit economy).

The Corona Diaries – Day 262

I’m drowning in repetition! This repeating pattern is so debilitating. I crave some variety, some stimulation, some exhilaration!

I might take up solo hang-gliding, bungee-jumping or start a heroin habit! Anything!!!

I’m surprised I’m not drinking more wine!!

The novelty has definitely worn off!

Anyway, Day 262 of isolation is proceeding very much the same as the rest. I wake up in a world run by greedy, selfish, inept politicians with wealthy elites pulling their strings. I listen to their latest stupidities on the news. I listen to some music – today is James Varda, do some editing and go for a walk up my hill.

I’m going numb!!

Today was cold and overcast – a bit like my mood – boring!

There are no landmarks in these desert wastes. How much is nothing? How far is nowhere? They’ll sell you a map but you’ll never get there.

Meanwhile out there in Coronaland our three amigo populist nincompoops are excelling themselves!

In the USA there were 218,667 new cases yesterday with a record 3055 deaths! 9/11+ every day! The hospitals are packed, health staff on their knees and still the President Trump refuses to do anything.

Republican States refuse to bring in measures. Some cities, like Brookings, S. Dakota, have taken it into their own hands. They’ve brought in measures, including face masks, and the levels of covid have dropped.

Of course, I forgot. The virus is a hoax, a communist plot and mask wearing and social distancing are unAmerican – even if it kills you!

The price of freedom! Freedom to be a fool!

They are, in the last days of Trump, hurrying through a spate of executions. They’ve got the wrong people though! I’ll send them a list!!

I’d certainly put Ivanka and Jared near the top – as they head off to their $30 million mansion in Billionaires bunker bought with their ill-gotten gains.

In Brazil Bolsonaro bases his strategy on Trump’s – cases have shot back up to 53,453 new cases yesterday with another 836 deaths.

In New Zealand and Vietnam, where they agree with me about Trump, Bolsonaro and Johnson, there were no deaths again, zero deaths, nil, zilch, none.

You think that is by accident? No! It’s all about policy, strategies and preparation. Three things that our three nincompoops are incapable of!!

Meanwhile in the UK with have out scarecrow clown floundering around with his strings being pulled by a bunch of extreme nationalists as we charge over the cliff of a No-Deal Brexit.

I can hear the stampede now as firms start to pull out and head for the continent, I can hear the doors slammed shut and peoples’ jobs evaporating. I can hear the economy crashing. I can hear the soaring sigh of prices rising through the ceiling. I can hear the crash of opportunities to work abroad, travel and study explode.

Ineos puts its new Landrover production in France. It’s just the start!

These are real jobs, real people!

I can also hear the cheerleading of our daft clown of a leader telling us that it’ll be the best thing we’ve ever done. Reminds me of Custer at Little Big Horn.

Stay Safe everyone! The vaccine is coming. I just wish there was a vaccine against political incompetence!

Poetry – Boris Passed This Way

Boris Passed This Way

Boris disguised as Santa Claus

Passed this way not long ago.

Without his pet dog Cummings

The cheerleading dynamo.

He looked so incredibly dishevelled

As he messed up another task,

While playing clever party tricks

Like speaking out his arse.

Opher – 23.11.2020

Such a genial buffoon. Such fun down the pub.

It disguised a clown of a man who comes from over-privileged background and, even with the perks of office (free cars, accommodation, meals and heaven knows what) cannot live on £150,000 a year.

A man so inept and lazy that, in order to gain power, gave the Tory Party to a bunch of extreme Brexiteers and allowed Cummings to pull all the strings and cause chaos.

A man who every time he opens his mouth creates a crisis.

For some reason the British public thought it would be a great idea to let him run the country.

Now look at us!!

Now he says we can all meet up in December and January. We can come together in December to celebrate Christmas! We can all then reassemble in January to bury the dead!

Boris Johnson – some Humourly Serious Captions.

Humour can express much in a simple way. With 70,000 dead, an economy in ruins, huge sums being paid out to dubious people with no questions asked, cronyism out of control, a PM who is largely invisible, who acts like a clown, an inept government caught unprepared and floundering around, a world of spin and deception, lies, duplicity and cynicism, greed and selfishness, Brexit looming and a bunch of over-achieving Eton twats in charge, I think we need a bit of satire.