As interpreted by John Crace…

Dom’s blog of last resort

An experiment. My seven-hour session in front of the joint inquiry of the science and technology and health and social care committees didn’t go entirely as planned. Quite the reverse in fact, as the more I tried to pin most of the blame on Matt Hancock, the more people started to feel sorry for the hopeless halfwit. So I then tried releasing some WhatsApp messages in which Boris Johnson – it takes one to know one – described the health secretary as “completely fucking useless” but no one paid much attention to that either.

So here we are. In the blog of last resort, where between 50 to 100 people have paid £10 a pop for the pleasure of asking me questions on any topic and I get to demonstrate why I’m the narcissistic sociopath everyone had always imagined. It’s not quite how I imagined spending a Monday afternoon, but beggars can’t be choosers and a bloke has to scrape a living somehow.

OK, here’s the first one. What was it like inside No 10, Dom? 

Where to start, other than to say that it felt even more chaotic on the inside that it must have looked from the outside? Imagine it. There was just one competent person in the entire building – me – and no one was listening to me. It was the story of my life. OODA loops in overdrive and a clear-sighted understanding of everything and yet the decision-making is left in the hands of BJ and Hancock. The SYSTEM is corrupt and rotten to the core. Ideally, I should have seized control myself. Just like Bismarck. But then we can all agree he should have been assassinated so I would have been forced to assassinate myself. Sorry for the RAMBLIGN ANSWER.

Is Boris Johnson as much of a liability as you have often made out? 

This isn’t the MOMETN for me to go into too much detail about BJ. Though what I will say is, that people have consistently underestimated him because they think he is a 100% delusional liar, when the reality is that there is 1% of him capable of rational thought. And it’s that 1% that makes HIM so dangerous. Though you’re right to assume that for most of the pandemic he has been like an out-of-control shopping trolley careering from side to side down the aisle. I’ve often said that if people knew WHAT it was like to be LURCHIGN from crisis to crisis, they would head for the hills or in my case, Barnard Castle. Who knew you needed an eye test for a gun licence?

Fuck me, there are some dreary questions posted on this blog. So forgive me if I just ignore them. Oh, here’s one from Carole Cadwalladr asking about Cambridge Analytica and deep data. Look, just let go of it, Carole. You lost the referendum. It’s time to move on. Get out of your SW1 BubbEL and start listening to what real people are talking about. No one cares if VL lied about one or two things. All we were doing was giving the establishment a kicking. And you in the corner. When are you going to realise that Brexit was all about procurement, not trade. Not that we could say that at the time. Else we might not have won.

Can you be trusted? 

That depends. I can be trusted to act better than all MPs who are rotten to the core yet control the wheels of power. And I can certainly be trusted to be a career psychopath whose mission is to destroy everythign with which I come in contact. And no, I don’t mind being hated by the media. What really upsets me is being ignored. So please don’t log off just now. I said, please don’t log off just now. Let me tell you another story about BJ’s catatonic state.

Why did you campaign to get Boris re-elected if you thought he was a dangerous moron? 

I’m sorry. We appear to have run out of time.