‘I’ve got a good idea. Let’s change the rules? Alter the stats!’
‘We can adjust the figures and make out that all those 46,600 people didn’t die from Covid-19 at all!! The figure was much too high – so we reduced it! There! Great! We’re no longer right at the top of inept twats.’
‘But Dominic – there were 66,000 excess deaths. 46,000 is probably wrong. It should be a lot higher.’
‘Never mind that. The figures are what we say they are.’
‘Now, let’s see – we appear to be top of the countries whose economy is worst hit!! That is obviously not good. What can we do to massage those figures??’
‘But Dominic, won’t the people notice if we simply start adjusting the stats?’
‘I got away with the Barnard Castle trip, didn’t I?’
‘Yes, but, these are actual deaths and actual job losses. People will notice.’
‘We’re still leading in the polls, aren’t we?’
‘Yes, but that could change.’
‘We’ll tell them it’s the EU.’
‘But they’ll know that’s not true.’
‘Worked before, didn’t it? I know – technical difficulties – we simply won’t release the figures.’
‘But people aren’t that stupid.’
He just laughed and raised his eyebrows.
And so day 141 of lockdown progresses. Covid-19 cases again top a thousand but the real stats remain clouded in mystery. Nobody knows quite what they are meant to be doing. The government dithers. People ignore the government. We are on our own!
The USA – climbing to 55,170 – gosh it is a commie hoax. Social Distancing, handwashing and facemasks are unamerican – an infringement of rights – what did you say – 1,486 new deaths. That’s all working then! Get the bleach out! Let’s have a swig! After you with the UV anal probe!
Brazil – 55,155 new cases. That Bolsonaro has got it nailed down! Just 1,175 deaths! It’s just a little flu! Keep taking the antimalarial tablets!
Phew!! I’m so glad I’m living in the UK!!
Never mind – we’ll soon be out of the EU. Everything will be alright then. Dominic says so. He’s redesigning the cabinet, making super-mega-deals with every country in the world, and sorting out some catchy phrases to reassure us. We’ll have an oven-ready, world-beating, spade-ready, wonder-future!!
I can’t wait!! These guys really know what they are doing!
So today, I walked up my hill, popped to the docs for an MOT, played a lot of the wonderful Nick Harper, and read a bit. Now I’m back working on my book – ‘Farther from the Sun’.
I’m in a bubble. The politicians can’t get at me!! I’m isolating from the virus!! I’m safe!! (Or am I having a mental breakdown?? These guys have got it covered, haven’t they? We are safe in their hands. They do know what they’re doing, don’t they?)
You all stay safe!!