The Corona Diaries – Day 141

‘I’ve got a good idea. Let’s change the rules? Alter the stats!’

‘We can adjust the figures and make out that all those 46,600 people didn’t die from Covid-19 at all!! The figure was much too high – so we reduced it! There! Great! We’re no longer right at the top of inept twats.’

‘But Dominic – there were 66,000 excess deaths. 46,000 is probably wrong. It should be a lot higher.’

‘Never mind that. The figures are what we say they are.’

‘Now, let’s see – we appear to be top of the countries whose economy is worst hit!! That is obviously not good. What can we do to massage those figures??’

‘But Dominic, won’t the people notice if we simply start adjusting the stats?’

‘I got away with the Barnard Castle trip, didn’t I?’

‘Yes, but, these are actual deaths and actual job losses. People will notice.’

‘We’re still leading in the polls, aren’t we?’

‘Yes, but that could change.’

‘We’ll tell them it’s the EU.’

‘But they’ll know that’s not true.’

‘Worked before, didn’t it? I know – technical difficulties – we simply won’t release the figures.’

‘But people aren’t that stupid.’

He just laughed and raised his eyebrows.

And so day 141 of lockdown progresses. Covid-19 cases again top a thousand but the real stats remain clouded in mystery. Nobody knows quite what they are meant to be doing. The government dithers. People ignore the government. We are on our own!

The USA – climbing to 55,170 – gosh it is a commie hoax. Social Distancing, handwashing and facemasks are unamerican – an infringement of rights – what did you say – 1,486 new deaths. That’s all working then! Get the bleach out! Let’s have a swig! After you with the UV anal probe!

Brazil – 55,155 new cases. That Bolsonaro has got it nailed down! Just 1,175 deaths! It’s just a little flu! Keep taking the antimalarial tablets!

Phew!! I’m so glad I’m living in the UK!!

Never mind – we’ll soon be out of the EU. Everything will be alright then. Dominic says so. He’s redesigning the cabinet, making super-mega-deals with every country in the world, and sorting out some catchy phrases to reassure us. We’ll have an oven-ready, world-beating, spade-ready, wonder-future!!

I can’t wait!! These guys really know what they are doing!

So today, I walked up my hill, popped to the docs for an MOT, played a lot of the wonderful Nick Harper, and read a bit. Now I’m back working on my book – ‘Farther from the Sun’.

I’m in a bubble. The politicians can’t get at me!! I’m isolating from the virus!! I’m safe!! (Or am I having a mental breakdown?? These guys have got it covered, haven’t they? We are safe in their hands. They do know what they’re doing, don’t they?)

You all stay safe!!


12 thoughts on “The Corona Diaries – Day 141

  1. Yes, all we can do is protect ourselves as much as possible. Crazy messaging here and seems incompetent by most European countries and now the exam results. Well we knew that was going to be unfair but who would ask a teacher in that genius cabinet. Stay safe.

    1. Fortunately, we can apply intelligence and work out what risks to take and which are not advisable – not quite so easy for those in work.
      They don’t trust people, least of all teachers, do they? They must be in control!

      1. Yes, glad I am out of teaching as would be so fired up, now I have a distance I can respond to key matters raised without being so involved. It is a travesty for students too. It seems Spain set part of the ‘A’ level exams and had slightly raised results but thought due to the kids not having many or any distractions.

      2. I’m sure it favoured some and not others – but I have to ask why they didn’t simply delay the exams if they are so concerned about exams – but better, perhaps, to trust the teachers! Exams are not the best way of determining a student’s ability.

  2. Hey Opher – could becoming a sketch-writer be a new departure from novel=writing?

    I doubt you are having a breakdown, ’tis probably just cabin-fever.

    To add to our collective woe, I read that the Tory sock-puppet government – a.k.a Cummings – are pressing ahead with their shake-up of Whitehall in a bid to centralize communications. It coincides with the refurbishment of a room at No 9, which will be used for televised press briefings delivered by a press secretary in much the same way that Kayleigh McEnany does for Trump. A government source described the new studio as “the best in the world”. FFS! Prepare yourself for a (further) endless stream of deflection, obfuscation, lies, deceits, spin, and fake news. Get the ‘Fact-checker’ – or Pinocchio Counter – ready!

    Enjoy Day 142!


    1. Lol Dewin – I just need a change every now and again. When I started writing this diary I had no idea it would be going this long – through such a repeating catalogue of ineptitude. I remain amazed by how gullible people are. They must laugh their heads off. That might just be their downfall. Their arrogance will take them a step too far and scales will fall from eyes.

      1. “You see, they’re just pissing on us without even giving us the courtesy of calling it rain.” ~ (Avatar (2009) – Sigourney Weaver as Dr. Grace Augustine)

        Keep the writing going Opher: your commentary adds to the collective Zeitgeist. People will inevitably see sense.


    1. Interesting Dewin – They obviously think that the number of extra deaths is worth it. Their priorities are the economy (or which they have spectacularly failed) and being popular (which they incredibly seem to be managing for the moment).
      They are a lying, devious bunch.

      1. An article appearing in the Guardian today – written by a lecturer in intensive care medicine at the University of Cambridge – suggests a lowering of C-19 related death-rates.

        Whether it is mere reporting, or written as an aide to regaining public trust is for the individual to deduce. Of course, one wonders what impact re-opening schools will have on both transmission rates and death-rates in September. Timne will tell. Until then, I’m certain to remain very vigilant.

        Have a good day. I’m off to work.


      2. An interesting article Dewin – but inconclusive. I think this winter will prove to be the major test. But Dominic will get the death-rate down – one way or another.

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